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Day 4

April 6, 2011

This is entry is part of a series called “30 Days of Kink

Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?


About 5 months ago I wrote about the first erotic book I ever read, Outlander. I was having all sorts of realizations in regards my kink while re-reading it. The story is filled with themes of force, misogyny, rape and punishment (the “take you out to the pasture and lay in with my belt” kind). Go figure, it was a huge turn on, even in my mid-teens.

It got me thinking about an experience I’ve never shared with anyone. I believe it was around 3rd grade and perhaps why I’ve always been hesitant to talk about what happened was because of the age. I should amend that. I was young, yes, but I also to this day think that what happened was hot…

I watched a simulated locker room gangbang.

The details are fuzzy. Maybe the other girls in my gym class had been acting out something they saw in a movie or porn? It could have started from a conversation about sex and sexuality? I don’t remember. I am even somewhat unsure of the scene set during the roleplay. What I do remember is someone forcing themselves onto someone else (not literally, the girls acting it out had kind of talked about it before they took center stage). There were 4-5 girls involved, and at least one took on a masculine role as I believe it was set at a urinal. I also think there was the role of the wanton vixen/nymph. I don’t think there was any inappropriate touching or even kissing between the girls. But there was tension and chemistry. At least in my memory there was.

Is it wrong that I think back to leaning against the wall in our small locker room, watching these girls act out a very sexual scenario and remember how hot it was? A part of me says that “early experiences” perhaps shouldn’t happen so young. But it’s really the first time I remember something kinky happening in my life, so to ignore it would be dishonest. When I made the connection of the memory to my kink interests I was somewhat surprised at how young I was when the themes of force began seeping their way into my sexuality (In an enjoyable sense, not an abusive one).

Wow, I feel kinda creepy for sharing that. I’m going to go do something super unsexy now to make up for it.

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