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Insecurity abounds…

November 26, 2010
The time of year is starting to get to me. I've been sitting all day with varying thoughts running through my mind.. the underlying idea being that I want to be someone I'm not. Not someone that I could be with some time and growth.. no, I'm talking about someone not remotely like myself. The holidays lend easily to depression and jealousy for me. When I am feeling this lost and alone, it's easy to look at my co-workers and think, "Maybe if I…"

  • Were a mom, I'd be that happy (rampant pregnancy at work this month).
  • Reconsidered monogamy, I wouldn't feel so alone most nights.
  • Didn't see the things my family did to me as abuse, maybe I'd have a more deep rooted sense of belonging at holiday parties and gatherings.
  • Weren't so fucked up in my head, I would be easier to love.

I love who I am.. I love the independence and self awareness I've developed in the last few years. I love the painful memories my anxiety and panic brings up and I love where I came from because it forced me to make decisions that lead me here.

But I don't like being different.

I don't like being so easily misunderstood and I don't like how alone I feel at the end of the day. I am selfish and stubborn and want to have it all, but is that really possible? Can I be unique and different and still find all-encompassing, passionate love?

….or perhaps in my stubborn attempts to make the varying facets of my life work the way I want/need them too, am I only hurting myself in the process?

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