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Searching for “The Brink”

November 15, 2010

Graydancer wrote last week about playing on The Brink. I love his writing. Between his podcast and his blog, I often find new kernels of wisdom, but I wasn’t expecting to take as much away from this one as I did. Before he got to his point, I was thinking, “I play on the brink all the time.. I push people’s comfort levels about even watching my scenes and I play with fairly heavy impact” but I continued to read, hoping that Gray would have something to teach me. By the end of the article, I was writing an impromptu letter to Mr. Rawr about fear, submission, and obedience. It has really stuck in the forefront of my mind this week and I wanted to share some of my thoughts.

For me, the brink of my fetish world has been Fear play. Specifically, being put in situations that begin to trigger my anxiety and/or panic responses. Several factors can occasionally come into play- humiliation, aggression (what I affectionately refer to as “Grr”), force, and even to some degree shame/degradation. It used to scare me so much when Mr. Rawr first began throwing me against walls. This man who I knew nothing of, but the good references of my chosen family, forcing himself onto me and taking what he wanted. It was so hot. I remember the terror I felt the first time he took aim at me with the BB Gun known as “Mr. Motivation”, pushing me to discover types of play I would have never thought I could process. When we first began our take-downs, I feared how far it would go, that it wouldn’t stop soon enough, or that I hadn’t seen the depths of his aggression. There was this feeling of , “Shit, I trust him.. but SHIT I don’t know what the hell he has planned”, and it made my knees weak and my cunt soaked.

What I came to realize by the end of the article was that I don’t play anywhere near The Brink anymore. I used to. I used to live on The Brink and I miss it. I miss feeling the fear when I play. The uncertainty and the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like walking to the edge of the cliff, looking over, turning my back to it and reaching to the hand of my partner for safety. Intense and delicious, it sparked my creativity and purged my mind. Gray’s post really made note that edges aren’t static. There is nowhere that says do a punching scene that starts like X, includes Y and Z and you’ll get there. Sure, it might work the first few times but after a while everything becomes commonplace when the surprise and the unexpectedness is gone. There is no fear in expected patterns. But there IS fear in energy and fluidity.

My heart stops every time I feel an unexpected touch. My mind begins to spin when the plans and expectations are suddenly changed. I feel energy welling up inside myself when the pain isn’t about my own enjoyment, when I feel objectified, worthless, and worst of all.. out of control. And I begin to shake and tremble as I am threatened and demeaned… and in the end I feel claimed by your energy when I come crawling to safety by your feet.

“How much are you really laying on the line, to embrace more fully who you are, what you love? How much more powerful does that make that act? Don’t let it dissuade you; take pride in your bravery, give yourself credit for just how much strength and passion it takes to be your authentic self.

And then dance on the brink, with passion and joy.”

-Graydancer

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