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November 8, 2010

I think it’s tough for anyone to be “with” me. You see, I’m not really the type of girl to “settle down”. If we’re in a relationship, I won’t ever want to “get serious” in the classic sense. I don ‘t ever want to live with you. I don’t want to share bills. I don’t really ever want to come to rely on you in any way, for that matter. To some, that’s what committed relationships are all about, even the poly kind. But not me.

You see, I’m stubborn and I don’t like to share. The things that are mine.. are mine. I feel like this makes me bad at being a “girlfriend” and for some, lumped forever into the category of “dating”. And really, that’s fine with me. Commitment isn’t about getting into a situation where legal steps are required to end our relationship. Commitment is the knowledge that we are both in for the fight. That we will have to beat each other bloody before this relationship is over. Minor scrapes and bruising should be expected. And serious relationships? Those are the ones where you allow your partner to touch you soul, to begin exploring the infinite curiosity that is the mind, and most importantly when attraction and lust grows into care and love.

In the world of polyamory? I’m not primary material. Rather, I’m a damned awesome secondary. I’ve heard a lot of discussions where when primaries and secondaries are discussed, there is this judgmental, inferred hierarchy that has always bothered me. I’m not a secondary because I’m not “good enough” to be a primary. I don’t seek secondary level relationships with my partners because of some sense of inferiority or fear of commitment. I wish it was more readily accepted that relationship dynamics are different and what truly matters is that everyone involved is happy.

Taking things one step further, in the D/s context I’m not really a submissive and no one person is capable of owning me in my entirety. Rather, I am at times submissive to my Sir. More often than not, I am simply obedient because I recognize His superiority in our dynamic. There is a distinct difference. Think of it more as He has captured me and may have control over varying aspects of my mental/emotional/physical self, but never all at once. I am not always devoted nor do I desire to be in His service. Instead, I enjoy playing by the rules. Sometimes this means engaging in a mental game of cat and mouse. If I am to be the mouse who does not wish for the negative attention of the cat, I learn to not take up after afternoon naps on the rug, in plain view. And the days where I crave adventure and the thrill of the chase, I nonchalantly take a stroll through the living room. I behave when I wish to be treated well and I paw at the beast when I wish to feel his wrath. There are the occasions where I enjoy bestowing large amounts of affection and attention on Him. These are the times when I honestly feel submissive. It never lasts much longer than the time it takes for me to wiggle out of under his thumb (in practical terms we are talking about a week at the most). Otherwise, I’m not the kind of submissive that most people are looking for. My submission and obedience are, rather, the price of admission.

It’s reasons like this that I hate labels. If I were to tell you I was a non-monogamous, independent, switch… well you’d have a much different impression of me than what I am. If I were to tell you that yes, I am one of my Sir’s girls.. well then you’d have a very wrong impression of how our D/s works. And If I were to tell you, no I don’t quite have a girlfriend, and I don’t quite have a boyfriend.. well then you’d think I was much less committed to both of my partners that I actually am. And If I were to mention that one of my partners lives with another of theirs? Well you might even come to think that my relationship doesn’t quite mean “as much” and that’s where you would be in error. I think that’s what I’m trying to get at, everything and every situation is different. It doesn’t matter that I refer to my Sir in my vanilla circles as my boyfriend (because it is a term they are familiar with and makes them happy) or that I don’t call the girl I’m seeing my “girlfriend”. What matters is how we have negotiated our relationships and that we are getting what we want out of them.

I recently took down all the labels on my FetLife profile and it apparently caused a commotion. Because I never put my Sir back up as a listed relationships after the separation I wrote about a month or two ago, there has been rumors floating around that we aren’t REALLY still together. This is the only thing I am going to say in this regard: mind your own F’ing business. Don’t presume you know more about my partners or my relationships than I do.

I have worked damned hard to get to where I am, to be even able to communicate with my partners the way I am now able to, and I’m not okay with people who are supposed to be friends, family, or community putting any sort of doubt in my mind.

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