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What I Learned this Week:

November 2, 2010

Forewarning, this is going to sound grumpy and insanely self-conscious this week.

  • It’s holiday time. I hate the holidays… the next three months is when all my friends and partners will steadily grow busier and busier. It’s the time of the year for me where my choices and my present life become painfully obvious. It’s the time of the year that I miss having a family. I know that I have my chosen family, but even they get busy and have their own real families to spend time with. I always loved the mushy gushy kinda stuff my father and his wife would do during the holiday season, and I’ve wanted to have the kind of relationship that emulated that. But Evan didn’t believe in holidays (when we were together), Mike few out of state to spend time with his parents for all the major holidays, and this year no matter where I end up I don’t quite know that any of my partners will ever be there. So instead of getting invested in all the parts I love about the holidays, it seems that my subconscious is just keeping me from going there. I don’t know.. “Bah Humbug!”
  • I hate labels. I hate that if I chose to not label my relationships, people assume they’re not there. I hate the feeling of having my very committed and more serious of relationships than I’ve had in years, invalidated because neither me nor my partner have it labeled on a social networking site. It makes me question my decisions and kind of want to conform to society’s standards… Grumble.
  • I was right (and that’s not to say anyone else was wrong). I spent a good chunk of time this weekend with one of my partners, primarily based on pure coincidence, and there was a lot of constructive communication that happened. It felt so much easier for me. I was more put at ease with being able to gauge where my relationship was at in the spectrum of the growth we’re trying to achieve. It’s so incredibly validating to get feedback that feeds the idea that, yes, I knew what I wanted and I was right. It’s actually making me feel better.
  • There was a moment this weekend that I wanted to get fussy. There was a moment this weekend where I could have let my mind go to a place where I became unhealthily fixated on a singular point. I’ve been tossing around a possible decision in my mind (perhaps more on this at a later time) that would be a big serious thing for me. It would have the potential to alter my relationships and dynamics. But I realized that if I wanted to take this path, throwing a fit wasn’t an appropriate response. If I want to make this change in my life, or offer it, then an instance like this was something that would be part of the deal. Some notions are great in the fantasy realm and not quite feasible in reality. The moment that passed this weekend had given me a bit more of a reality based idea of the gravity of what I’m considering. I will most likely be contemplating this for weeks to come.

While I seem really down and grumpy today, I’m not. It’s just… I think I need a pat on the head. Going into the holidays, before everyone leaves to spend time with their families and what not, I want to try being reassured this year that they’ll be back after the chaos subsides. Last year was really tough in that regard and I ended up pretty depressed by the end of it. So I guess this is me asking, any of my partners and close friends.. if before you leave (literally or metaphorically) this holiday season if you could just touch base with me first and let me know you’ll be back, I think it would help a lot. Be this, “Hey Evey, I’m headed off to do X for Thanksgiving, but I’ll see you when I get back.” or “Hey baby girl, I’m going to be busy doing X, Y, and Z for the next few weeks.. but I love you and I’ll be thinking about you a lot and I’m going to want t spend time with you when I get back.” It would be really awesomely helpful. I don’t want to get to a place where I start taking steps backwards in all the work I’ve done in regards to my emotional stability.

 

One Comment leave one →
  1. Jey permalink
    November 3, 2010 2:19 pm

    *pats you on the head*

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