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The Fourth Time.

October 21, 2010

The following is the fourth in a series of recollections on a past relationship. There was a lot of good.. a lot. But there was a lot of bad that I haven’t ever talked about.. that I haven’t finished processing. But it’s time to move on. It’s time to deal with the past… [read Part 1] [read Part 2] [read Part 3]

We had been together for almost three years. I was making some progress in my degree in school but the time was coming that I needed to start thinking about our future together. He talked all the time about wanting to move back home to Colorado, where he had grown up. At the time, the future I saw for myself was with him and all I wanted was to follow and live my life along side him. I was a child development major with the intention of obtaining my teaching license. In a semester or two I would need to begin taking the core classes for my major that were intended to prepare me for the tests to actually get my license to teach in California. If we had intended to live in Colorado, well it would be easier for me to finish my education there and prepare for their licensing requirements. I looked into opportunities in Denver but set them asside, waiting until he decided he was ready as well.

One day, a friend surprised me with the news that she had been accepted to the same school I had applied to in Denver. A string of coincidences followed and I felt like, maybe, fate was telling me the time had come. I spoke with him at length about options and he told me that I need to do what was best for me, he said he would support me in the deicsion I made.

One morning, in the middle of summer, I walked into his apartment, curled up at his side, and cried as I said goodbye. One morning, in the middle of summer, we made love for the last time (yes, I do mean the woo-woo emotional kind of sex). I cried from the minute I walked out of his apartment until I reached Las Vegas.

In the weeks that followed, we tried to make things work. We tried talking and sharing our lives through a cell signal. Unfortunately, the distance was too far. He told me one night that I wasn’t supposed to leave. He had said all the things I wanted to hear, but he intended it to be a test and I had answered wrong. He had wanted me to chose him. Instead, I chose my future.

We broke up that night for the fourth time. I was tired of his games, I was tired of him building expectations for me and not letting me in. I was tired of him setting up my failures… Who just watches the love of their life move out of state without once telling them they wished they wouldn’t?? But then, when I was back in town for holidays I spent a week at his apartment. He made a trip or two out to Denver. We talked every day. We didn’t quite get back together, but our feelings certainly never wained. He became the relationship I couldn’t see to shake, until… (to be continued).

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