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What I learned this week..

October 14, 2010

1. My job is not where I want to be, and I’ve been here for 2 years now. Nothing like the reality of possibly getting fired to make you reflect on your career. After processing, I realized I wouldn’t be sad if I lost my job. Stressed- sure! I have bills to pay. However, I wouldn’t really miss my office and that is a big deal. Watching the lack of care for employees has really hit me in the last few weeks while we’ve dealt with some stressful situations at work. I think we could have grown together from them, but my boss has decided to say “fuck you!” got teamwork and team growth, instead opting to buckle down on everyone in the search of perfection. I will be putting in applications over the next week or two elsewhere.

2. I speak a different language, when I choose to speak that is. I have all these thoughts and euphemisms and such that I use when I speak that I am not sure how clear I end up being. I have a hard time processing what it is that other people are really saying when they talk with me.. add in inflection or tone… that gets me lost completely. I don’t get  it. Right now I’m confused and pessimistic.

3. My libido is not quite as static as I thought it perhaps was. I’ve been on a down spurt the last few weeks and I tried to just push past it and it lead to a really awkward interaction. So what does that mean? Sex is how I relate to certain people… it’s one of the ways that my words and my lack of vocalization doesn’t get in the way.. without sex, what is there?? I’m thinking my stress level, the fact that 2 big events outside of my control triggered me pretty seriously and the stuff I’m trying to work through has got my libido down… it makes sense there is a lot going on right now… just wish I had my outlet. BUT on the plus side, it isn’t getting me in trouble with it’s over activity which has been a nice reprieve.

4. I miss playing. I miss people wanting to play with me. I miss my partners craving to make me cry or scream or bleed. I miss marathon play nights at the clubs. I miss the regularity. I’m starting to feel like I did towards the end of my time with Vie where I was begging and whining and it became really unattractive. I don’t want to have to beg and whine and maneuver my way into getting play time…

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