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What I Learned This Weekend…

October 5, 2010
  1. As much as I fight it, and as much as I kick and scream…. *mutters discontentedly* talking helps. There, I said it. Talking about how I feel… helps. There is no shame in saying, “hey can we talk, alone, for a little bit?” It’s a phrase I’ve hated uttering ever since I consciously entered poly relationships. I don’t like others knowing about what’s going on in my private stuff. I get all self-conscious. I think this latest bump though has made me realize other people don’t matter. My partner matters and I have to speak up. I got into a pretty stubborn thought process on and off this weekend. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to make a decision and go. Efficiently. But I didn’t like the decisions I was coming to. I pushed myself to say something (uncharacteristic to say the least) and what came from it was a better understanding. I feel better, a lot better.
  2. I stumbled upon a genius outlet for when I need catharsis. Houdini-esque rope bondage games. Fighting against the ropes, there is no need to worry about changing dynamics, or them necessarily pushing harder, father, or more painfully. I can’t hurt the rope. The pain is all self-inflicted. I am in control, and I can push myself as far as I need to. It’s sustained pain over a period of time. Perhaps most importantly, in the end I come out of the ties hurt and tired, but ultimately stronger because of my own will and determination. Just, next time I need to set a negotiated “end” to the scene… or else I get too militant.
  3. I have this tendency to turn all my friendships with my queer/bi female friends into something a bit more than friendships. Case in point… Essin’em is a primadery partner who I love like a partner, there just isn’t all the sex stuff. The Redheaded Slut was a good friend, turned occasional play partner and confidant.”The Woman who thought to bring me a hubcap” was a friend, turned complicated, and about to (hopefully) work it’s way into a more defined relationship. I went out with one of my very NOT bi/queer female friends last week and it was amazing to know our place. We are close and can talk about all sorts of things… but there’s no complications. I know what she is and her slot in my life is finite. I hadn’t realized how much I missed that. Clear definitions are a very awesome thing!

And that, friends, is what I learned this weekend. *smile*

    One Comment leave one →
    1. Nicoli permalink
      October 5, 2010 1:54 pm

      Congratulations on having a mind opening weekend. May you experience more to come.

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