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Grasping at the Strings of Success…

September 27, 2010

*Sits down for the first time in days*

It’s been a busy week and there has been much to get in order. But I’ve been thinking a lot. “About what?” you ask… well.. let’s see…

I’m afraid of getting everything I want. I’m afraid of succeeding. Mr. Rawr had asked me to figure a few things out, mainly what I wanted. I spent two weeks thinking, wrote everything down and headed over to his house last week intending to have a very long discussion. I planned on telling him everything I needed from him to have a relationship in every sense of the word. I planned on having to say, “look, if I can’t have X, Y, and Z then I can’t be with you”. Walking through his door, I honestly thought by the end of the day I was going to be asking him to let me go and that it would officially be the end. But he threw me this curveball- he said, “Okay.” To me it’s this strange notion that someone would find enough value in me to do this. Why was he saying, “yes,” to things that the answer had previously been, “no”? There are a few things I’m supposed to follow through on, that I’m allowed to push the matter to make happen.. . But I’m paralyzed in fear. Okay, so I push to make something happen that I want, am I going to feel pathetic that I had to push to make it happen? What if he’s only there and doing what I ask because I asked and not because he wants to be? I know that not asking is simply projecting my fears onto him and that’s unfair- he is the only one who can decide his motives. I just… I don’t want to be a burden and at the same time I want to get the things I need out of our relationship.

When you succeed, it stops being about the potential. What if I can’t live up to it? With Mr. Rawr I see so much beauty in how we interact, relate and feel about each other… what if things aren’t really that beautiful if they actually happen? With all the opportunities that lay before me with my work and freelance career, how am I going change? What if the people in my life don’t like the change? I’ve had that happen before. I’ve had people I care for look me in the eyes and tell me that don’t the person I grew into, and then they walked away. Gordon tells me he loves my quirks and he is excited to see the person I will eventually grow into. My bestie from High School seemingly loves me no matter what I do in life. And maybe most importantly, Mr. Rawr is always telling me that he’s not going anywhere.

I could go on an on about the different parts of my life that would change if I reached all the goals I’ve set out for myself. Perhaps the most pertinent to my story here is my D/s relationship. I am submissive to Mr. Rawr and for me that is based on this notion in my mind that he is greater than me. It goes back to the whole Predator/Prey dynamics that interest me. I submit to him because I know he is this greater force and resistance is futile. If I continue to grow, at what point is the difference between our greatness going to be diminished to a value that doesn’t work for me? I don’t want to be his equal, I enjoy being “put in my place” by his greatness. How is my personal growth and change in the other aspects going to affect our D/s relationship? I thought about this all day yesterday and a big part of my path has been regaining power and control over my mental and emotional processes. There is not the same beauty to me in the notion of being this strong, powerful person and submitting to someone.. What gives me comfort as a submissive at this point is the idea that I am powerless and “lesser than” his will. Is that feeling still going to be sustained if I take back control of myself? Because if I’m taking control of myself, I’m taking away his control of me too, aren’t I??

*heavy sigh*

I’ll let you know when I figure out the answers…

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