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I’m still processing.

September 13, 2010

A year ago, I was spiraling into the beginning of the end in regards to my relationship with Vie. I wrote about wanting to be wanted [here], to be desired, and respected in the most wanton sense. I wanted to feel beautiful to the people I was involved with I wanted their love, attention and adoration. Now a year later, and I don’t know whether it’s the beginning of an end, or perhaps just a pause with Mr Rawr. He fulfilled almost all the things I was searching for. He made me feel like one of the most beautiful women on the planet when he really look at me, staring directly at my soul. I never doubted that he wanted me- he made it deliciously clear. He laid claim to me and my lust, and eventual love, for him and it was nice to be wanted back for the first time in a very long time. But I began to want things he couldn’t give me. I wanted things from our relationship that were essential, non-negotiables. I brought them up a lot when the changes to our dynamic first started. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to get what I wanted, I took a new approach- could I need what I was being offered? My love willed me to try, to see if I could grow into something different. Here I am a year later, after realizing with Vie, (someone whom I doubt any sort of redeeming relationship with will ever be regained) that I wanted something more and better for me than I was being offered, feeling like I’m at a very similar place as when I wrote that post. The following part especially rings true..

Overall, I’m done being looked over for all the possibility I can bring to the table. I’m done. I have learned from Gordon that while I can have love in my life, I’m the one who gets to determine at what level.. If someone can’t return what I need from any level of relationship then I have the right to say, “No, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want because you can’t give me what I need. We can be friends and share love in that regard, but I can’t give you something else until something changes.

I’m going to refrain from really going into detail about where my mind is at right now for a few different reasons. Primarily, I think He should be the first to hear. Secondly, I’m still processing. I feel different on an almost daily basis. There are common threads, but my emotions are very much still in process. A friend pointed me in the direction of a song that really strikes a chord. It’s a lot more blaming and aggressive than I feel, however, there is a verse or two that sums up exactly how I feel.

I think the scariest part of figuring out what I want and need is this: what if it’s not what He wants too? I know if I don’t ask, I’ll never even have the chance of getting what I need.. I’m just so afraid of having to face the very real possibility that it’s over, over. Because I’m still in love with all the possibility. I told him I was worried about the “what if” when we sit down and have the talk that we’re going to be needing to have soon. What I didn’t have the guts to say, is that I’m also afraid of what I have to change if the conversation does not go well. There are parts of me that I have allowed myself to give him that I won’t be able to give if I want to ease the pain on what will be my already broken heart. I hate this part.

We need to talk despite the hour ’cause just like time, this comes too late
You’ve been tellin’ me I need to change or else you’ll go away
I’ve been searching every inch of me to find within myself
A way to give you what you want and not become somebody else

You just want my passion, but you don’t want my pain
You don’t even really care ’bout what’s inside my brain
You think that I don’t know what’s goin on behind my back
But you seem to underestimate this very simple fact

I won’t let you hurt me
I won’t beg you to stay
I won’t lay down and shut my mouth so you can brag the next day
I won’t be a trophy
I won’t look the other way
So I guess you got your wish, ’cause babe, I promise
Things are gonna change

The things that brought you to me, now are the very things you hate
It’s becoming very clear to me that you’re the one whose changed
I used to think that we could make it last; I would love you all my life
But when you tell me I’m not good enough, you know it’s just not right

I won’t let you hurt me
I won’t beg you to stay
I won’t lay down and shut my mouth so you can brag the next day
I won’t be a trophy
I won’t look the other way
So I guess you got your wish, ’cause babe, I promise

Mi pasion quieres
Pero no mi dolor
Poco te importa lo que en mi mente esta
Crees que yo no se lo
Que tratas de esconder
Que tan ciego tu seras para no ver la verdad

I won’t let you hurt me
I won’t beg you to stay
I won’t lay down and shut my mouth so you can brag the next day
I won’t be a trophy
I won’t look the other way
So I guess you got your wish, ’cause babe, I promise

I won’t let you hurt me
I won’t beg you to stay
I won’t lay down and shut my mouth so you can brag the next day
I won’t be a trophy
I won’t look the other way
I guess you got your wish, ’cause babe, I promise

Things are gonna change

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Bad permalink
    September 13, 2010 5:28 pm

    Somehow I just knew this song would ring as true (at least in part) for you, as it did for me. You know I’m here for you! *Sending love and validation*

  2. September 14, 2010 3:47 am

    You know I’m here for you. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way!

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