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I’m willing to admit it: I need help.

September 2, 2010

I’m really angry at my past and myself right now. I am angry that I am not at the point in my life where I can just let things go.

I’m still really mad at Evan for how much and how often he hurt me. I’m really mad at myself that I let him hurt me that much and I didn’t stand up for myself. I’m mad at myself that I completely let go with him and wasted that kind of pure, innocent trust. I really hate that part. I feel so tainted and ruined over a lot of the things that happened during our relationship. I hate that I was so depserate to be loved by someone in my life that I allowed myself to be emotionally abused in enough of my prior relationships that it has lead to my current broken state. I can’t stand that I constantly compare my life and my future to my past and I can’t make the thoughts disappear. I’m frustrated that the thoughts and the memories still hurt enough to bring me to tears.

I’m mad at myself for allowing the pain and abuse to seep so deeply into my subconscious that it has become a part of me and how I see the world around me. I hate that I expect the people I love and trust in my life, now, to treat me the way people who have abused me in the past have. I am frustrated that the expectations and hesitations I have of eventually getting hurt have hurt and to a degree pushed away the people that I love.

I’m frustrated to realize the way I have been acting isn’t in conjunction with how I feel inside. I’m frustrated that a part of me will not allow me to completely let go. I’m mad at my walls and mad that I was ever put in the position where building that strong and tall of mental blocks was what I needed to survive.

I hate that I’m 23 years old and still don’t understand some of the basic concepts of relating to people and communicating my emotions.

I’ve been thinking really realistically lately about seeking professional help. I’m currently looking into low cost counseling and mental health resources. I think I’m finally at the point where I’m ready to concede that this whole unmediated thing isn’t working for me. I need professional health and to really take my mental issues seriously. I can’t continue to be stubborn and refuse help and support if I seriously want to keep my relationships or get back to being more of myself and less of a crazy biatch.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Noan permalink
    September 2, 2010 8:10 am


  2. September 2, 2010 9:35 am

    I know I’m not who you want to hear from at the moment, but HUGS, and I have a whole list of free/low cost resources that they gave me for up there.

  3. September 2, 2010 9:45 pm

    I am an expert of building walls and maneuvering mazes created by myself. There are some things I know to be true. One is we are all the sum of our experiences good and bad. The key is being able to work through the bad ones and cherish the good ones. Don’t fear the emotions when they come and accept them to be part of being human.

    Our issues stem from the fact that we’re too afraid, shamed, guilty, etc. so we bury these negative emotions because everyone else tells us that we need to because they are wrong. Humans have a myriad of emotions, we are supposed to and we need to accept this. Once we accept that yes we are supposed to feel sad or yes we binge eat when we attempt to suppress our emotions then we can start to rewire our brains to deal with issues rather than avoid them.

    Admittedly some damage never goes away…I’m sorry..however dealing with it you minimize and defuse it so it is more a memory and lesson than something that hampers our happiness.

  4. September 6, 2010 6:51 pm

    alrighty, I know I’m late to this party, but I has words, and I hope I can get them out properly. I wants to help an Evey… not just because she’s a sexy sexy girly, but because I hate seeing people in this kind of pain. also… I have never put much faith in “professional therapists”. I think that most of them (not all) are just plain full of shit and you;d get better help from their books then you would then.

    Evey, you don’t know me well. We’ve barely even gotten to know eachother beyond the fact that we exist, however, I want you to know I can and will listen to you and I’m told that I have an endless supply of really good advice. I’m also told that I’m fairly therapudic just to be around. I don’t really see it, but if that’s the general consensus I’m willing to put it out there. If you ever want to talk to someone that isn’t going to charge you an arm and a leg to speak, I’m here. you can message me on FL to get my number.

  5. September 7, 2010 11:54 pm

    I think it’s awesome that you’re taking a step to make your life better. I went through a similar epiphany back in February, and it one of the best things I ever did for myself. Whether you use medication or therapy or something else, taking the steps to be a better you is super cool. For me, it wasn’t about saying that people haven’t wronged me, it was about saying that no matter what someone does, I shouldn’t have such a deep emotional, paralyzing reaction. It was…is…about learning to deal with life. It’s a hard road, but I hope it goes well for you!

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