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My poly in practice

August 30, 2010

Last week, my own personal definition of poly was on my mind, specifically how I want to be poly. Gordon and I had a long conversation about where I’m at right now in regards to a few experiences I’ve had of late. What I took away from the conversation in the end was the following:

  • The way that poly worked for me when I was single doesn’t work for me anymore. I can’t have multiples of the same puzzle pieces. My partners are like pieces to a puzzle and each engages different parts of me. I’ve discovered in the last month that there are some big factors that I really only want more than one of. The biggest for me right now is gender. I don’t think I can be involved with more than one man at a time, at least not sexually (and to me that involves even sexual tension, lust, etc whether or not sex is part of the picture). I submit to Mr. Rawr, and part of my submission is sexual. I have found that I’m not okay with feeling sexual towards other men. I am okay with there maybe being particular people that someday I would want to be intimate with to enact a certain fantasy, in a very non-committed manner. But, I am not comfortable maintaining any sort of long term relationship that would involve sex. It doesn’t matter if it’s on the opposite of the D/s spectrum from me and Mr. Rawr or lacks a D/s element all together. I’ve already made the connection of being penetrated by a man, sucking off a man or even just being next to a man with submission and I can’t submit that way to another man. And I’m okay with that.
  • While I’ve decided to limit the situations where I bottom to people other than Mr. Rawr, there ARE still people I wish to maintain a play relationship or types of play I would very much like to have people willing to indulge. Examples of that would be co-topping/middling/bottoming with Bad and occasional needle play. But what I have learned lately is that it’s really hard to negotiate by saying, “Don’t do anything to me that Mr. Rawr do” because there are so many parts of our relationship that we don’t really make public. I feel awful when I’m bottoming and I have to keep saying, “Don’t do that in that way…” or “That’s too much like what He does to me” and it gets to the point where the top is like, “what do you want me to do, what can I do?”. I hate that. I hate being so picky that I frustrate my top. So here’s what I’ve decided. I only want to bottom to things that my top is passionate about, the things that turn them on or get them excited. I don’t want them to try to make me happy or do the things they know I’m into. Most of the things people know I’m into are Mr. Rawr’s anyways. What I want is to be an experience slut. I want to feel new things, new sensations, new ways of experiencing the world… I want my top to show me all the things they love and to be able to bask in the beauty that THEY see in the world. For now, bottoming to others isn’t about me receiving pleasure, but rather experiencing their pleasure.

It’s almost like I’ve overstretched myself.. when I was single, I put out there that I want X, Y and Z and now that I don’t necessarily need them, I haven’t pulled back. The excess has been overwhelming and only adding to my stress.

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