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Come On.. Hit me with your Best Shot!

August 23, 2010

A year ago, you couldn’t hit me hard enough. I craved pain, I needed energy exchanges and I would stew until I got what I wanted. I can recall several times with Vie where I would whine and pout until I got what I wanted. Most of the time it was a scene, sometimes it was sex. He wasn’t the biggest fan of the rough, take-down type stuff that I love, but he could do it and would do it for me when I needed that release. It got to the point where I couldn’t let go without that kind of exchange. I’d go to a club and play with people on whims, just because I needed to get beat. I took a lot of pain I didn’t like, I took a lot of sensations that weren’t pleasurable and the masochist in me that likes things to really (and I mean REALLY) hurt liked it too.

I’m not so sure that it’s the same anymore. In fact, I know that Mr. Rawr doesn’t hit me as hard as he used to. I know our scenes aren’t as intense in terms of the pain, so what’s the deal? They’re powerful. They take away more of my built up anxiety than any of the scenes I would initiate when I was single. When he throws me down and hits me or grabs my neck until it is so tight that I can’t breathe, it takes away all the bad. It leaves me empty so that I can recharge myself on all of his good.

Playing with him has become so fulfilling that I don’t have that same need to casually play as often. When I do play publically at the clubs, it’s because I want to and not because of an impulsive urge. I’m probably not the same pain slut he met; it doesn’t take as hard of hits to bring me to His feet anymore. But that’s okay, because his hits are so powerful they reach my core. It’s not about the pain or the feeling anymore either, it’s about letting down my walls to the point of vulnerability and letting that part of my Self that I rarely let out feel Him. I find the changes in the ways I experience kink and BDSM to be amazingly beautiful. I think I sought out pain because I was looking for something bigger and better, so logically I sought out things that were harder and further into the extreme. So, perhaps it makes sense that after finding the biggest part of what I was looking for, I don’t need the pain in the same way anymore?

One Comment leave one →
  1. Callie permalink
    August 23, 2010 9:33 am

    I agree completely. I know that when my main puts his hands around my neck or shoves (even just a little) that that is all it takes. I don’t need much to let go with him.

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