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August 20, 2010

I’ve been trying to process some big changes this week. There was a sudden, unexpected change to my primary poly dynamic that seemingly hit like a bomb. When I see those close to me in pain, my tendancy is to want to place their needs above mine. Throw in a D/s based service dynamic with them and it just gets stronger. My gut reaction is to be the martyr and “take one for the team”, to be the strong support system They need.

A few days ago I called Essin’em because I was having a really hard time staying stong and I just needed some guidance. She reminded me that just because I was not the primary person hurt in this situation, doesn’t mean I still wasn’t hurt. Just because I don’t hurt as much as They do, doesn’t mean my hurt isn’t valid… “this isn’t a hierarchy of pain”. She pointed out that the best way to be a support system for someone is to take care of yourself so when they do need you, you’re strong. I told her about how I was trying to be this supportive “rock” while they are a little squishy from the impact. Her take? How are they going to feel thinking I’ve been this rock the whole time who doesn’t need support and when they get themselves solid again, I go to mush? What good is that? Why not be mush together and grow into solid rocks together? Support each other while we all process the pain? It was a really good point.

What she really wanted to stress to me is that in poly dynamics, break ups are a bit different. Often times, in monogamous relationships, we have time to heal before moving onto our next deep connection. That doesn’t happen always in poly. In a poly relationship dynamic, when there is a break up, sometimes we’re already involved in other committed relationships. Sometimes, those other partners are part of the bigger whole (group poly) and feel the loss as well. No poly is perfect, but broken poly… not that hurts. She reminded me that it might take a while, that each break up creates new fractures and part of healing isn’t just cleaning up our own internal mess, but repairing any fractures that were created between relationships as well. This means, just because my primary poly dynamic is still intact, there is going to need to be lots of communication and dialogue to make sure we repair the minor damages done to our interpersonal relationships as well…

So, the first step to healing? For me that is admitting that I got hurt too. I might not have been up in the front lines, but I was still in the line of fire. I have to keep telling myself that it’s okay to feel it and that I don’t need to keep bottling it up. It’s not going to hurt Them more if I start crying. I have to remind myself that me being obviously sad or whatever emotion I’m feeling doesn’t necessarily bring them down. If I can get comfort out of helping them up or holding them when they need me, why should I deny them of that too? It’s been a real exercise in keeping my walls lowered and being open and honest. But in the end, I’m hoping that letting others handle the delicate parts of me will lead to exponential growth.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Bad permalink
    August 20, 2010 6:02 pm

    It sounds like, as usual, Essin’em gave you some great advice. You have a right to your feelings, whatever they are. The thing that makes you lucky (and stronger) is that you have other people who are going through this, right there with you. Grow together, become stronger.

  2. August 24, 2010 10:25 am

    Thanks love, for writing this out. Sometimes I say things, and don’t think that maybe they were understandable to others, but it sounds like you got way more than the gist of it. Sending you love.

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