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Drawing up the Floor Plans…

August 16, 2010

A while back Gordon and I hit our one year of mentorship. We have both been so busy, but the last night we got together we kind of reflected back on the last year and what happens going forward.  So today, I wanted to think back about my progress thus far. Gordon (my mentor) and I have recently entered a new stage in my growth and it’s good to mark where I’m at.

When he started working with me he used to tell me not to worry about progress because all we were going to start with was building my foundations. I wanted to be fixed so desperately though. I wanted solace from the anxiety and panic that was spiraling out of control. I wanted to find myself as a submissive, a switch, a top, and most importantly as a person. I wanted to integrate all my fractured aspects of my personality. I wanted to be healthy and functional mentally and emotionally. But like most foundation, the change we were making was all below the surface. It didn’t look big and impressive. We had to dig a hole before we could begin to build me back up. Year one’s goal was to get me stable, at least enough to function.

This year is about working on the floor plan. Who am I, who do I want to be, where am I going?? It’s full of potential. It’s feeling like everything is falling into place. This year is less about going out and exploring every facet of kink and more about discovering all the beautiful ways that kink can fit in my life. A big part of discovering this has been my Relationship with Mr. Rawr. He has shown me that someone can be my boyfriend, my Sir, my lover and my friend. It amazes me daily that the more I let go, the more beautiful our relationship becomes. And branching out with my other relationships, Ive learned such a great deal about what I want and who I am. There are so many questions I’m dying to find the answers to…

  • I’m poly, but how does that change when I have a primary? How does that change with I have submitted and offered my service to someone? How is it going to change as I do things like exploring my switchy side of things?
  • I am a masochist and a play slut, but how does THAT change as I become more and more His? Is it okay that I’m finding a lot of ways I used to love casually interacting are becoming more and more linked to my submission to Him and are only okay when I’m with a certain few?
  • What about relationships that I’d started and been working on that aren’t quite what I need or want anymore? What happens when the changes in my primary relationship affect my needs from my secondaries??
  • How do I stay active and involved in the community that I love while my Family/House takes a break from the public sphere?
  • What is going to happen when the dust all settles and I’ve realized that I have everything I’ve been working towards? What do you do when you get what you want?

I was talking with Pocket (a partner of Mr. Rawr’s and a dear friend of mine.. lots of good history here) recently about how much has changed in the last year. How we have all changed and grown in amazing ways, how things are nothing like they used to be and how glad we were to be here now despite any of the troubles that might be about. The progress felt good. I feel the same about my mentorship… I was someone so totally different a year ago. I’ve grown in ways I could have never imagined and it’s just amazing to look back at. This blog and my journey are one of my proudest accomplishments and just think, there is still so much to discover!

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 16, 2010 11:46 am

    I will continue to enjoy watching you grow; I’m so glad you have someone to help you look at the big picture as well.

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