Skip to content

Evey and the mini demon spawn…

August 13, 2010

I don’t get it. I’ve never had kids, don’t particularly want kids, and the extent of my experience with people who DO have them is from a customer service stand point and my work experience. Until this year, I’ve never had friends who have kids and I’ve certainly never dated anyone with kids or any interest in kids. And here I am, 2/3 of my relationships this year are with people who have spawned minions. I’m sitting here, trying to make sense and relate on any sort of level and I can’t. I just… I don’t get it.

Idealistic me used to think, “it doesn’t matter if we love eachother, right?” And practical me is starting to wonder if that’s so practical anymore. See, the problem is I’m selfish. I don’t really like to fight for attention right now in my life. I’ve had to do plenty of that in the past and I”m kinda over it. I’ve somehow found a way to make the whole group poly thing function for me and Mr. Rawr. Perhaps it’s because he overwhelms me with attention when it’s just the two of us? Perhaps it’s because I’ve accepted that it’s part of the cost of admission in our relationship and that I’ll never have him to myself (which strangely makes it awkward when I do get him to myself.. it is something I don’t enjoy copious amount of.. )? Maybe I’ve adapted and have figured out how to feed off enough energy when we do have time to ourselves and to get by on the small kernels of awesome I get from him checking in and what not in between? I get all the attention I could ever want from my other relationships. They have adapted to my need for attention. But what messes the whole system up for me is kids.

  • My partners kids remind me that I don’t really have family that shares that kinda love. And it makes me sad. And strangely jealous. I don’t speak with my family that raised me, and I haven’t seen my mother (who was around as a kid, just not an active part of my life) in about 3 years.
  • Watching my partners set priorities in life around their kids makes me wish I had someone in my life to whom I always came first. Someone that devoted to me. Someone to whom I was priority number one.. whether it was family/friends/partners. Seeing that makes me jealous too.
  • It makes me jealous that because I don’t get it, there is a part of them that I’m missing out on. There is a part of their lives that I don’t get to see, don’t really want to see, and don’t understand and that bothers me in a way that I don’t know how to reconcile.
  • It makes me think of my partners in a paternal role. Having issues with my own parents, there is this strange sense of resent.

The shitty thing is, even thought I’ve kind of always known that I don’t really want kids to be a part of my equation, I know that you can’t chose who you feel love for. Sure, I can chose who to show love… but feelings? I know I can’t control those. So when do I draw the line? What level of involvement with kids is acceptable to me in an idealistic sense? No.. I’m not contemplating the future of my relationships with those of my partners who HAVE them.. it’s too late for that. Rather, it makes me realize there’s this part of my emotional needs that I haven’t really thought of. Am I okay with any more partners with kids? Or is that going to go the way of married folks for me?

*Le sigh*

No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: