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Things Evey Hates: Flavored. Lube.

August 12, 2010

Flavored. Lubricant. I can’t help it. I see those two words next to each other in a sentence and I can’t help but to raise and eyebrow or roll my eyes. I mean really?? Flavored. Lube. Why, pray tell, would you even bother purchasing a ridiculous product like FLAVORED… LUBE? I don’t care how sexy-dirty you think I would be. I don’t care that it comes in exotic flavors with silly names. I’m putting out a warning right here and now- I proclaim the right to endlessly mock anyone who brings flavored lube into MY bed. Now you might be sitting there thinking… Evey, you’re being a tad bit dramatic aren’t you? To which I would undoubtedly respond- and pina colada flavored lube isn’t??

Flavored Lubricant, why do I hate you? Let me count the ways…

I hate you, flavored lube, because you give good people bad reasons to cover up serious health problems. I’m sorry, but all those people who I hear proclaiming that one of the benefits of flavored lube is making your partner taste great I have something to tell you. If your partner doesn’t have a penis or vagina that tastes the way a penis or vagina is supposed to taste, there is a problem. You should tell them…. not buy flavored lube.

I hate you, flavored lube, because you are filled with glycerin. Sure, I like sugary sweets as much as anyone. JUST NOT IN MY VAGINA. I prefer to maintain a healthy vaginal flora. Yeast loves sugar too. I’m sorry, there’s just something utterly unsexy about yeast infections.

I hate you, flavored lube, because you never ACTUALLY taste like your intended flavor. Never. Especially when you mix your synthetic flavoring with a lovely juicy pussy or cock. If I’m going to taste nummy things on my partner, it’s going to be because I’ve drizzled nummy, sticky, snacks all over them straight from my kitchen.

I hate you, flavored lube, because I’m a cum slut. I believe the taste of a nice juicy pussy or cum covered cock can tell me so much about my partner. Natural chemistry is important in my book and how am I supposed to share in ejaculatory love with my partners when all I can taste on my tongue is bubblegum????

So, please keep the tropical tango and passionate passionfruit and sensual strawberries away from me because I’ll say it again…

I HATE FLAVORED LUBE.

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