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August 8, 2010

It’s been a long time since I’ve written out of the need to express a type of pain I didn’t understand. (Is it even pain? What is pain? Maybe this is anxiety, maybe it’s panic.. I don’t quite know right now). My hands are shaking and my vision has grown blurry. There are tears streaming down my face and it is a concerted effort to maintain my breathing. And then the wave subsides… it’s rare for me to have panic attacks that are unrelenting. Mine come in waves, five to ten minutes at a time.

What happened to bring this on is of little relevance. My heart tells me to trust my partners and wait to talk with them, because I am likely hearing a side of the story that is not fully aware of what has already transgressed in both relationships. And that’s okay. What interests me is my reaction. I felt extreme pain, the emotional kind. It has happened before… this trodden over, used feeling. This feeling of worthlessness. WHY? Why does the actions of two people affect me? Why do I find pain in interaction that didn’t involve me and have nothing to do with me? So I sat on my couch crying and thinking. During one of the lulls I found my answer- Evan.

Evan is at present in a committed relationship with a woman who used to be one of my closest friends in Denver after my move. She and I were roommates. That’s how they met. I invited him to be friends with my friends, something we had never been able to do back in LA. He connected with them, I thought it was great. Until the day he told me that he and her had been dating behind my back. It broke my heart. He was leaving me for my dear friend. I had told him, the shiniest of my shinies, that there was this other beautiful shiny thing in my life, and he ran off with it… I lost two of my shinies that day because that was also the day she stopped talking to me. From a poly standpoint, I think I would have been okay if she had validated me. If she had come knocking when she heard me hyperventilating in my room at night to ask me how I was. But she didn’t. She didn’t care. She used me to get closer to him. I lived the next 6 months having to watch the love of my life develop a deeply passionate relationship with my best friend, while they shunned me. I slept one room over from them for six months and had the pleasure of hearing their most intimate moments. During the last month was when I met Vie.

I don’t share my partners with eachother. I don’t like to see them play, to see them date, or bond on any sort of emotional level beyond extremely platonic friendship. So when I hear about one of my dear friends snuggling on the couch with someone who I consider a partner in every sense of the word, my mind goes to the place. I get self-conscious. I begin to feel like I’m worthless. I begin to fear that I’m being shoved out. Sure, one of the basic building blocks of poly is that love, attraction, etc  are not finite resources, but some wounds are deep and take a great deal of time to heal.

I think it affects a lot of how I function in poly relationships. I think it affect my reluctance to fully becoming part of what I call “Group Poly”.

I hate this feeling. I hate what Evan did to me. I hate wanting to hide. I hate the pain…

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Noan permalink
    August 8, 2010 2:36 pm

    *hugs*

  2. August 8, 2010 4:24 pm

    Sending you love and reassurance. Please call/text/email by tomorrow to let me know you’re doing ok. I’m here if you want to talk.

  3. Bad permalink
    August 8, 2010 4:39 pm

    I am so sorry, that you are feeling so much pain! Please, call me, let me know what I can do to help.

  4. Jey permalink
    August 9, 2010 4:34 pm

    Oh that’s awful Evey. I hope you’re feeling better, at least a little, by now.

  5. voyeurondisplay permalink*
    August 9, 2010 8:27 pm

    Thanks everyone, I’m doing well. My anxiety and panic happens, kinda a fact of life and since I am not at the point where meds are an option, they’re something I have to deal with. But thank you for your support.. a strong support system is what really makes it easier to be the one in control.

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