My Submissive Identity

I’ve had a kind of epiphany. I’ve been trying to better understand myself as a submissive recently- a fairly daunting task. I know who I am as a masochist. I know my interests and I know my limits. The more mental side of my kink? Well that’s all been a more recent journey. I became involved with Mr. Rawr knowing very little about that particular side of myself. The emotions he drew out from within and the stillness our interactions created in my mind were intoxicating. I wanted more, but didn’t quite know how to go about it. A few weeks from now will mark 9 months of our involvement together. It’s been a damn tough road for me emotionally. I’ve had to learn to express all these feelings and desires that I had never felt before. I’ve had to fight back a lot of growing pains. I’ve had to push myself, my limits and my baggage in order to strengthen my relationship. So besides all this expedited personal growth and self discovery, what makes it worthwhile? Why Him? Times like last night when we were lying in bed negotiating playing for the first time in months and I was scared of where my mind might go. I was afraid of not being able to handle his energy until he asks me what it is that I need right now. My answer, “You”, and he looks up at me with the most loving energy behind his eyes and whispers, “You already have me”.  Moments like THAT make the rest of my emotional stress and bullshit worth the price of admission. Moments like that are what make me stay and push myself when all I do is feel like giving up on the fight.

So back to my epiphany. I’ve finally found an identity I can solidly associate with how He makes me feel as a submissive. He brings out the little girl in me, He makes me giggle and gives me butterflies in my tummy. Some of my favorite of our interactions are times like the night he kissed me deeply while all wound up in my little girl headspace. Or how he lets me follow him around the house with my hand in his back pocket, like a little girl being dragged through a busy crowd trying not to get lost. Or like when he’s sitting at his desk and I’m sitting at his feet watching tv shows on my laptop, with a finger to two tucked quietly into his sock to make sure he’s still there while I get lost in my giggles. The best part, I’m not sure he’s realized yet that he has himself a pet little girl.

I am attracted to the notion of being leashed. All dressed up and pretty with a lead around my neck (His neck) when I’m in the house. Being led to my tasks. *swoon* I really do need to do some more exploration of what it is that I would WANT out of such a dynamic, the different places I can go. But I’m glad I’ve finally pinned down where it is that I’m even trying to get to!