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My Submissive Identity

June 28, 2010

I’ve had a kind of epiphany. I’ve been trying to better understand myself as a submissive recently- a fairly daunting task. I know who I am as a masochist. I know my interests and I know my limits. The more mental side of my kink? Well that’s all been a more recent journey. I became involved with Mr. Rawr knowing very little about that particular side of myself. The emotions he drew out from within and the stillness our interactions created in my mind were intoxicating. I wanted more, but didn’t quite know how to go about it. A few weeks from now will mark 9 months of our involvement together. It’s been a damn tough road for me emotionally. I’ve had to learn to express all these feelings and desires that I had never felt before. I’ve had to fight back a lot of growing pains. I’ve had to push myself, my limits and my baggage in order to strengthen my relationship. So besides all this expedited personal growth and self discovery, what makes it worthwhile? Why Him? Times like last night when we were lying in bed negotiating playing for the first time in months and I was scared of where my mind might go. I was afraid of not being able to handle his energy until he asks me what it is that I need right now. My answer, “You”, and he looks up at me with the most loving energy behind his eyes and whispers, “You already have me”.  Moments like THAT make the rest of my emotional stress and bullshit worth the price of admission. Moments like that are what make me stay and push myself when all I do is feel like giving up on the fight.

So back to my epiphany. I’ve finally found an identity I can solidly associate with how He makes me feel as a submissive. He brings out the little girl in me, He makes me giggle and gives me butterflies in my tummy. Some of my favorite of our interactions are times like the night he kissed me deeply while all wound up in my little girl headspace. Or how he lets me follow him around the house with my hand in his back pocket, like a little girl being dragged through a busy crowd trying not to get lost. Or like when he’s sitting at his desk and I’m sitting at his feet watching tv shows on my laptop, with a finger to two tucked quietly into his sock to make sure he’s still there while I get lost in my giggles. The best part, I’m not sure he’s realized yet that he has himself a pet little girl.

I am attracted to the notion of being leashed. All dressed up and pretty with a lead around my neck (His neck) when I’m in the house. Being led to my tasks. *swoon* I really do need to do some more exploration of what it is that I would WANT out of such a dynamic, the different places I can go. But I’m glad I’ve finally pinned down where it is that I’m even trying to get to!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 28, 2010 8:28 pm

    Boy, I’m jealous! I haven’t yet pinned down where I’m going to (all I’ve found so far is a couple of boundaries the hard way) but I totally agree, I love beautiful leashes and collars. I think that my headspace is also rather young, in general, but the idea of age play or daddy/girl play kind of freaks me out, so I don’t know where I can go with that. I think I might be a bit of a brat, actually, which worries me because that’s so frequently looked down upon. More thinking/experience necessary!

    Also, on a completely different note, I’m glad you decided to show your face in your blog. You’re absolutely gorgeous! How did you come to that decision?

  2. voyeurondisplay permalink*
    June 28, 2010 10:30 pm

    Trust me Lila, it’s taken a long time to even get here. I totally get the trepidation with age play/littleness. It’s why I’ve leaned toward the PET little girl, and not His actual little girl. I’d be glad to share my thoughts on ageplay if you are ever interested. I think between the two of us it could be quite the stimulating conversation 😉

    In regards to my pic, well… I figured I should just jump in. I’m out to almost everyone in my life anyways and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Then again, I have the luxury of a career path where it doesn’t really matter too. And coming from my blogger crush.. the compliment means oodles!! Thanks hun!

    • June 29, 2010 11:24 am

      I would love to hear your thoughts on ageplay! Especially because my Domme is 10 yrs older than I am, so there’s already an element of that that worries me sometimes.

      Awww, I’m honored to be your blogger crush! Means a lot, coming from someone as awesome as you 😉

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