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June 10, 2010

I don’t usually talk about my problems. The level to which I over-think and get anxiety about things, I know a good 80% of the shit that bothers me isn’t REAL. It’s because I’m a “runner”. I run. At a certain point in relationships I get really scared. I begin to feel really self-conscious and start convincing myself that people don’t care. So, I build my case and then pack my emotions up all nice and tidy, and I run. I run away and tell myself that it wasn’t making me happy, or whatever rationalization I’ve concocted. I don’t want to run anymore. I’ve decided in the last year and a half that I’ve been working with my mentor that my running away doesn’t get me anywhere. I don’t learn anything. I don’t grow from it….

That all being said I’m trying like hell to keep my feet still at present. My legs are itching to get moving. I cognitively know there is no reason. At least not a good one. I’m nit-picking and none of it really matters, in fact bringing it up would only serve to achieve what I’m trying to stay away from, sabotaging my own relationships.

I know why I’m trying to run…

I fell in love.

I wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t looking to. It wasn’t part of the plan. I feel in love without being given permission to. Once again, I’ve fallen in love with someone who I am not certain loves me in the same way. What if, yet again, I feel more in love than I was supposed to? Where I fucked up in my last relationship was that I cared more than I should have.. I loved more than was appropriate. It lead to fucked up feelings, retaliation and just bad bad times. Ya I could ask.. but it wouldn’t seem real to me if it wasn’t freely given love. And therein lies the problem, I’m feeling so much love within myself, and have been for a while now, that I get scared the longer and longer I keep loving. Why? Because my haphazard relationship with Evan taught me about how dangerous it can be to my emotions to let myself love THAT much. And this is the closest to love of that grandeur that I’ve felt since Evan (if you are curious about what I mean by that kind of love, this post sums it up pretty well). I am in love, and I don’t know whether it is appropriate or even wanted. I need some sort of approval. Some sense that I’m on the right track…

*le sigh*

I don’t want to run. What I want is, in fact, the exact opposite. I want to stay. I want to be a part of something. I want to belong. I want security. I want to have a defined place, and by that I mean I want to know my role in my relationship. I want to talk about the commitment level. I don’t want to question anymore. Recently coming out of a relationship where I had inappropriately loved- I want to be able to find a comfort level with the love that I feel and give.

I want to be his.

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