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The Roots of Masochism…

May 21, 2010

So here’s a question for you, how much of masochism comes from replacing a desire to be loved with an equal but very opposite emotion?

I’ve had a stressful few weeks. I’ve just wanted to be held, but fall into someone’s arms and melt. To feel loved. To feel validated. To not feel weird or judged for wanting to let go.. I just wanted to be supported. When I would come home to my empty studio at night and that obviously wasn’t going to happen I found myself fantasizing about getting the shit beat out of me.

I’ve really started getting on myself about some of my destructive habits. I’ve been binging lately and ashamed of it. I’ve been picking a lot too. This last week I started really setting some strict rules for myself with my eating habits. I thought it would be easy because at that point I hadn’t realized I’d been binging. It wasn’t until this morning that after eating I wanted more. I wanted to feel something. After a few hours of telling myself no, I came to a new conclusion. I needed to be beat. I needed to be thrown down, degraded, humiliated until obeying was the only option.

I don’t know how I feel about that. When I ask people like Mr. Rawr to indulge me in my love of force and objectification and degradation, am I really asking him to enable me? Am I asking for him to put a band-aid over my problems instead of dealing with them? Then I started thinking about what that would mean for my love of force… Is there a healthy way to indulge??

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