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HNT: Happy 5th Anniversary Nekkid Thursdays!!!

May 19, 2010

So, I had my entire HNT written this morning when I found out it was the 5th anniversary. So, I decided to play along. Tonight was a meeting/support group for kinksters being held at Mr. Rawr’s house and I decided to have someone help me take a replica shot after the discussion. I knew that I’d have to battle feelings of a lot of negative thoughts. In the time since I took my HNT, I’ve gained about 40lbs. I’m pretty upset with myself about it, there are a lot of negative emotions associated with all of that.

After the pictures were taken, I hated them. I couldn’t even bring myself to open them in an editor to work with the lighting because they just weren’t attractive pictures. They didn’t make me feel beautiful or sexy or good about myself in any way. So here’s my HNT. You want me to get REAL for a minute? You want me to share a part of myself that I am scared to death of and brings up so many insecurities? The beauty of letting go and all that… here it is: I’m not posting those pictures today because I’m too self-conscious of the havoc that lead to my moving into my studio has wrecked on my body. I’m too ashamed of the fact that I let go of my self-control so far that I reached a weight that I haven’t been at since I moved to Denver 3 years ago- a weight I promised my SELF I would never get back to. I am filled with so much self hatred tonight…

EDIT: After sitting on it for the night (And a few people privately commenting about it) I’ve come to a conclusion. I started writing to not allow myself to hide in the shadows.. and refusing to play along is doing just that. I’m hiding because I’m ashamed, but unless I accept who I am, how am I going to go about improving it? Mr. Rawr loves me for me. Essin’em loves me for me. Others I’m close with love me for me… I can’t keep projecting the things my family did and said to me onto those who love me NOW. So, here they are- my original HNT and the recreation from last night…

Evey- January 2009

Evey- May 2010

Honestly, happy 5th birthday HNT… 🙂

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2010 11:37 am

    Well I bet nobody else would have hated them.

  2. May 20, 2010 1:21 pm

    I’m so glad you got talked into changing your mind! This is really what the half-nekkidness is about. We all see ourselves differently than anyone else does. But if everyone else is okay with us, why can’t WE be okay with us? Regardless of whether you use this as incentive now, or decide that dammit, you’re pretty okay as is!

  3. May 20, 2010 7:09 pm

    I knew I wouldn’t hate them!

    Hey girl looks great to me, both pics!

  4. todaysaddiction permalink
    May 20, 2010 11:35 pm

    Both are fantastic… beauty is beauty every single time.
    I’m so glad you decided to post.
    Happy HNT!

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