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I’m a masochist…. RIGHT?

May 4, 2010

I’m sitting at Mr. Rawr’s feet the other morning and thinking back to the scene we did the day after my huge anxiety attack..

I’d been over making him his weekly vat of soup (mm… cheesy chicken burrito soup!) and asked to be beat before I went home for the night. The anxiety was still lingering and a part of me just wanted to hurt. Breaking me is something we have not perfected, but I know that every time we try is only going to make things easier. So he beat me, and I struggled and protested, until the paddle came out and I eventually cried. It wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t fun. But, it was a release. I didn’t like the pain, and it hurt more than I remember his hits hurting. Was this my imagination? I’d felt bruises the next morning, but there were no marks….

So I tug at his sock and he looks down at me, “Yes?”

“How hard were you hitting me Wednesday on a scale of how hard you usually hit me?”

His focus returns back up to what he’d been working on and thinks for a minute, “It was a 6.”

A SIX?! Seriously???? I felt a little dejected inside. What happened to the crazy painslut? The girl who couldn’t find someone to punch her hard enough? I have a feeling if we were to pull out the duct tape today and do one of the types of scenes we first did I wouldn’t be able to take it, I have a hard time with piercings as of late, I doubt I could take the types of canings Ms. Angell and Vie used to give me.

So then I start thinking, could this have anything to do with my hesitance and fear of getting into any sort of a headspace lately? I’ve been really self-conscious in some regards and wonder how much this affects my ability to just fucking let go. I’ve had a handful of big deep conversations in the passing months where my really vulnerable parts, my evey and my littleness and my floaty headspace and needyness came into call and it has me scared to go into them. I don’t want to be vulnerable and potentially be around people who are going to judge. In my mind, when I play with my Sir, that interaction is ours. It’s no one else’s and getting picked apart for the headspace it puts me in makes me just want to pull away and not go into any headspace at all until it’s just the two of us and that isn’t reality.. so no headspace for me.

At what point when you’re not getting any sort of floaty high is pain just pain??

I don’t even feel comfortable calling myself a masochist at this moment. If it weren’t bad enough for my identity as a masochist that I don’t mark easily, now not even getting anywhere I just feel so blah.

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