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When the world comes down…

April 28, 2010

I feel like I’m slowly unraveling.

I’ve spent the last 24 hours in tears. Yesterday, I could feel wave after wave of anxiety hit. The triggered waves I tried to push aside, use what I’ve learned to stop the way I felt and move along with my day. But it was building. As the hours passed my chest grew tighter and tighter and left me feeling like I wasn’t going to be able to get out of this one alone. I think I’ve written before that anxiety is a daily battle for me. Every day I will get a handful of minor ones, these are the ones I’ve been working on getting past. I’ve been doing a really good job. What grew in me yesterday was one of the rare debilitating ones. The ones that leave me feeling like I’m dying or sometimes paralyzed inside of myself. I can’t get out. I can function through them if I push myself hard (this is how I was able to finish my work day) but they don’t go away until I’ve ridden them out. At about 3pm I tried making a few phone calls for help. I couldn’t stop what had begun, but I thought maybe I needed to reach out, instead of suffering alone. This was the catalyst for what was to become the focus of my evening. What I needed wasn’t someone to tell me logically that nothing had happened. I didn’t need someone to tell me that they loved me. When I’m going into a debilitating anxiety attack, I need to find a safe space and break. I need to let myself break, I need to fall apart and get it out of my system in one big moment instead of letting it linger and wreck havoc on my day. Getting off work yesterday, I had no where to go, no where that I felt was a safe space to fall apart in that was readily available or capable of handling me at that moment so I just got on the bus and went home. I cried all the way home. I walked in my door, put away my things, put on my sweats and hoodie stolen from the last place that was able to handle my big debilitating anxiety, and sat in bed most of the night crying. I tried distracting myself with movies and porn, but around 11 I gave in and went to sleep.

What I’ve come to realize though my emotional journey in the last 24 hours is that I’ve made gravely poor decisions. I’ve wound up alone because of my life choices and that sucks. The people in my life I have either pushed away, or don’t have the capacity at the moment to deal with my emotional needs. Some of the people I’m supposed to feel like I can open up and share with, I feel guilty doing so.. or like my emotions and the way I’m feeling them are wrong.. or that I’m over burdening them.

I miss the only person who’s ever just held me until the tears and the hyperventilation and the chaos in my chest subsided. I miss the silent support and understanding by not trying to turn one of my debilitating anxiety attacks into a teaching lesson or trying to force emotional strength. I miss not having to explain what I need in the moment and having someone there who just understood and stepped in to ease the momentary pain. I miss having someone to turn to at the end of the day, without feeling all the complications. I miss the good that used to exist in the not so great situation.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m all pent up still.. tears seeping out on a seemingly hourly basis… needing to break but not knowing where I’m allowed to (my own self-imposed restrictions and other relationship defining restrictions).

Here’s to hoping soup really does make it all better…

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 28, 2010 12:15 pm

    I send you unconditional love, hugs, soup, and whatever else you might need from me. No strings, not judgement, no lessons attached.

    I can’t wait to see you in 2.5 weeks!

    Your butch hunter

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