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April 5, 2010

“Lose the corset,” was all he said as he finished prepping his play station for the evening. He helped me out of my lacing and after putting my corset safely to the side I uncomfortably stood and watching him knot lengths of his rope.

I had no clue what to expect. Before he motioned for me to take off my corset I didn’t even know he was prepping the rope for me. I’m not usually the biggest fan of rope. Wait, let me rephrase that.. I haven’t learned how to appreciate rope yet. But the way he direct the start of the scene, I like that. I like not being asked what we  are doing for the night, I like not negotiating the scene (please understand that we have overall negotiated the types of play that are NOT okay for the entire relationship, which is what makes not negotiating in scenes okay) It makes me feel more like I’m being of use, that I’m being used for his pleasure, that I am merely the means for him to create whatever he chooses. I’ve noticed that during scenes that start like this, our verbal communication is minimal, and for lengths, non-existent…

He began to lace a rope dress over my gothic school girl outfit. The tightness reminded me of the corset I’d just taken off, the snug fit was comforting and I began to sense hope for a better future understanding of rope. He got down to my boots and after lacing through my heels He stepped back to look. He was thinking deeply, I could tell.. I just didn’t know if it were good or bad. My answer came when He began to undo all the rope. Once I was free He walked to the side table and with the rope that needed unknotting in one hand, He grabbed his coffee cup. He handed it to me and I stupidly asked if he wanted more. All it took was one look to answer my question and I was off to the kitchen to fulfill the request, regretting even hesitating to ask. By the time I returned, He had set up a different rigging. A part of me wanted to know what the original plan had been, what had been wrong, was it me? I could have asked, but He was in his zone and I love walking into his energy when He’s in that wonderfully sadistic place. So, I decided to put it to the side and follow along with His plans.

We started again. Chest harness first, then one around my hips and upper thighs. Once up, I was in a modified swing, but it was much less comfortable than the one he had put  me in before. This one was rigged for a very specific purpose, as my legs were tied off to each side. I was spread open and vulnerable…

First was the thickest of His metal canes. It was thuddy and I could feel its girth as he rubbed it back and forth across me…

“What the matter dear, is that a bit cold??”

Temperature was DEFINITELY not the problem. There was no problem. I was in heaven. This was the first time I’d been touched by another person in going on 3 weeks. I wanted him, I wanted him more than I could bring myself to say in the moment. I wanted to feel something inside me, even the cane would have sufficed. Next was the studded bat. He began hitting my pussy with the studs. I began to squirm quite a bit..

“Be careful hun, we don’t want to go breaking any of the club rules (no insertion)..”

I looked at him in all seriousness, “please????”

When the impact toys weren’t enough, we moved on to both a crotch rope and Him full on kicking my pussy with his Big Scary Boots. It was fucking hot. But then my switch flipped. I began to struggle more than usual. I reach the point where I was fighting back. I almost kicked him. I’d gotten so worked up.. I was in a place where all I wanted was to be able to be with him, and while our scene was great fun, I’d reached that point where I realized that this scene would have no happy ending. It would be another tease and I would continue to need to wait for my turn. He could tell that I’d reached the point where I wasn’t in a good headspace anymore and took me down. Once out of the ropes my spirits sunk even deeper. As he was holding me I began to cry. I’ve never cried after a scene (unless it was a heavy impact cathartic scene) and I melted. He asked me what was going on and I told him that it’s easy to not miss him as badly when I’m gone, but being here and with him makes me miss him that much more. He held me closer and told me that he’d missed me too, but that he was proud of everything I’d been doing this last week- I’ve been a very good girl. I started to cry more. Part of me doesn’t want to be a good girl if that means sacrificing my connection with him. On the other hand, I want to be a better person for him, which is where the other part of me kicks in and tells me that being the better person that he wants to help me become will only strengthen my connection with him.

I’ve done a lot of thinking in the last day to figure out WHY I had the reaction I did, and I’ve think I’ve got it. I loved our scene… I LOVED it. It took me to the places I’ve loved to go with Him before. It felt like US. I felt connected. But once he let me out of His ropes.. that was it.. I was out of His ropes. I was back to that place where I didn’t know when I was going to see him again, when I was going to be able to connect with him again, and it was scary.

It still is scary.

One Comment leave one →
  1. April 15, 2010 2:45 pm

    Oh Evey, you have such a way of capturing the moment… LOVE IT!

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