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Back to me

March 27, 2010

Today I moved half of my worldly belongings out of my apartment.

I felt strong today.

I DID IT- ME. While I might have been bummed things fell through the way they were planned, I felt really good about it at the same time. What ended up taking place was an exercise in my independence. I moved my things into my studio. Me. I didn’t need a significant other to help me. Thinking back, with the exception of my initial move to CO, every other time I’ve moved I’ve had the person I was involved with at the time help me out. Evan moved me out of the dorms and into my old house, and Mike offered his house as a crash pad the nights between leases. Vie moved me out of my old house and into our apartment. Because of the change I’m trying to make in my life, I think it was good that it ended up being just me and a good friend today. Sure, things didn’t go as quickly, but it felt like a significant accomplishment. I did it. I DID. I like the symbolism of that. Be the change you want to make in your life.

I DIDN’T CRY. At least not until I got back to Mr. Rawr’s house. Once I started decompressing and relaxing, as the stress faded and I let go I couldn’t help it. But I think that is okay, tears can be okay when they don’t change how you are able to interact with the world. In fact, I feel a connection to my studio. It’s mine. I feel like it has a lot of potential to be my constant. I even miss it already and I can’t wait until the first night I get to stay there.. just me and my studio. Bonding. Sharing oodles of togetherness and one-on-one time.. it shall be so lovely and comforting!  I still have things to move out, closing the door of my apartment I shared with Vie for the last time might be hard, but I made it through today. I didn’t need anyone but myself to be emotionally strong.

I HAVE A PLAN. I always feel better when I know where I’m trying to go. So where am I going? The answer is simple: back to basics, I’m going to get back to my center. I’m moving ALL of MY things into my studio. My things may travel with me, but they go home with me too. I’ve begun to realize that comfort zones aren’t always a bad thing. Because of a “worse or worser” type situation, I’ve been living out of mine in regards to a few things that are normally triggers for me. I think a great deal of my discomfort lately is because I’m having mild/steady anxiety that just kind of sits in the background. This is unnecessary, and in regards to my physical belongings, I can easily put together second sets of things to keep in the places I frequent. Otherwise, I am going to create a solid, grounded constant in my life. It’s simple, because of my upbringing I need one and it is going on my list of non-negotiables that Gordon and I have been working on. I’m going to set up my studio and spend some serious time connecting and making it my home.

See, I feel better already! Tomorrow is another rough day, but I am trying to keep telling myself- IT IS ALL FOR THE BEST! I am going to be a better person for the changes I’m trying to make. I’m going to fix myself and this is just the first step. If my current general goal in my mentorship with Gordon is to create a solid foundation for my psyche and emotions, I am right on track.

THIS is good.

THIS is what I need.

THIS is what I want.

I leave you with the song that came on at the very moment this evening when I calmed down and realized the type of post I wanted to write. The same very moment that the tears stopped and I found my calmness. Enjoy it’s symbolism:

This could be the very minute
I’m aware I’m alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I’d never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I’m sorry doesn’t mean
I didn’t enjoy it at the time

You’re the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I’ll claim I did
But in truth I’m lost for words

What have I done it’s too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I’ll do anything you ask…this time

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 29, 2010 10:20 am

    I am so so so so proud of my moose. ❤

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