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March 22, 2010

I had an anxiety attack last night. I let myself overthink so much that I couldn’t get the sleep I needed for my 10 hour day today. I had made it just about 2 weeks without tweaking.

I have a pretty stressful schedule this week between packing and work. I got so focused on the fact that my schedule this weekend kept me away from Mr.Rawr and I now get to spend the week away from him while I’m at my apartment packing, then next weekend in my studio unpacking. I know I should be grateful for the amazing opportunity and what it means… I know that He understands… I know that He has stuff going on right now too… I just don’t want to miss him that much when he lives so close. I’ve also been overthinking the fact that I get busy on weekdays. I tend to plan all my stuff on days I don’t like to spend time at The House, but what that means is there are certain people I don’t often get to spend time with. I’ve been pondering if it is time to sacrifice a bit of my Self for the better of the group.. because I know that it is a potential issue. I DO have a life, but I also want certain people to be a part of it, so how much do I need to sacrifice to attain my goal?? Where is the point in which balance is achieved???

A big part of me is disappointed with myself. But I just keep imaging Gordon’s voice telling me, its not about the mistakes I make but how I pick myself back up after. Because the first week really trying, I made it 2. I’ve got to keep telling myself that I’m doing really well, this isn’t the failure that I want to chalk it up as and I am not going to let this be as large of an influence on my life anymore.

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