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Move along now… move along..

March 21, 2010

I’m moving next week. I’ve gotten myself a very awesome studio in the heart of downtown Denver. For me, the move is very emotional for several reasons. First, I’ve never lived completely on my own. Time to grow the fuck up I suppose. Second, I’ve fought so very hard to get myself to this place. The place where I could leave without a fight, where I could pack my things up because it’s what I wanted to do, not for anyone else. And finally, it’s the symbolic end.  Perhaps it is fair to say I allowed myself to get lost this last year and found the strength to find myself again. Me moving out, is me moving on in my path. I am fully expecting there to be a lot of heavy sighs and maybe a few tears throughout the day. I’m also fully expecting an emotional battle within myself.. it will certainly be an interesting day…

Gordon and I have been focusing heavily on how I self-identify in our discussions as of late. It has been important to establish WHO I am if I want to be able to tell people how they need to interact with me healthily. I also think it’s been a useful tool in our goal of creating a strong, healthy mental foundation for me to stand on. It has been instrumental in creating new relationships and even more important in finding the strength emotionally to be able to make the changes that lead to my moving next weekend. Some of the labels I identify with I have for a very long time, and it’s no question, others are new-found and even others are ones that are ones that it has taken a lot of personal inner strength to admit to…

  • I’m a Voyeur. No shock here, it’s one of the first things in the community I could identify with. Visuals are very important to my kink, my sexuality and how I process the world as a whole.
  • I’m a masochist. I like pain, pain helps me process shit sometimes. Pain also makes me feel better than being baked outta my mind! I like the aggression of being punched, kicked and overall beat down. I like how a good solid hit reverberates through my chest. I love the energy flow that is created from piercing. I enjoy the color of my own blood and how it contrasts against my pale skin. Pain helps me put a physical face to some of my inner pain, you’ve hit me so it’s okay to hurt. But overall.. pain is sexy as all freaking hell…
  • I’m hypersexual. My sex drive is insanely high. Like really. I have never met one single person who could keep up with me. Satiate me enough to not have my head explode? Ya sure… but really be able to keep up with all my random whims? Nope. If let run with it, I would have sex 2-3 times a day every day. Now you’re thinking.. wow sounds great, sign me up! Think again- every day. EVERY day. So lets say I’m sick, feeling real blah.. what? you’re laying naked in bed with me??? Well I say that’s the PERFECT opportunity for some lovin’. Sad, depressed…? Sex fixes it. Sex also fixes: boredom, excitement, nervousness, anxiety, stress, being tired from a 10 hour work day, writers block, AM grogginess and insomnia. I’ve always tried to be very VERY upfront with people I get involved with, I’m a very sexual person. Still maintain, no one can keep up with me for too long. It’s a fact of life, and a large reason as to why I’m poly. But it’s only been recently that I’ve been able to put a useful label and identify as such.
  • I’m an attention slut. That’s right, I said it. Ya know what…? Instead of trying to hide from a potentially negative label, instead of attempting to fight it and get stressed over it, I’m going to embrace it. Ya, I like attention. It’s a large part of my kink-persona and it makes me happy. In my everyday vanilla life, Caitlin isn’t so much an attention slut, but Evey is and that’s okay. I can focus my efforts on positive things, and get out my desires in positive ways.. THIS is my focus instead of stressing myself out trying to be something I’m not. How can I make what I AM work better?

You might notice that there is nothing on my list labeling my depth of submission. That’s because I’m not certain of where I fall into on that spectrum. I know what I’m not… I have inklings of what I might be, but beyond that I am not quite ready to throw out a label that doesn’t quite fit and get myself stuck in a box I didn’t intended to stay in.

Wow, this post has been relatively refreshing to write. *YAY* for personal growth and progress. I feel so good for being able to own up to two new identities that I’ve kinda been mulling around in my head, there is certainly more to come as I continue to work some stuff out in my head over the next few weeks, but as for right now… this feels really good 🙂

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