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March 15, 2010

To get to where my thoughts are this morning I highly suggest you read two of my previous posts (“I want to get fucked up” and “To Be Noticed“) because they’re a good base to a bit of the history of the feelings I’m going to write about in this post. I’m a sum of my total life experiences. While  I may be growing and learning exponentially lately, while I may be overcoming large personal hurdles, it’s important to know where I’ve come from. In the last year, there have been one or two relationships that have greatly affected my sense of worth, my sense of Self, and pushed down a part of the Caitlin that once was.

I fell in love, and grew to love two different men respectfully. I’m no longer in relationships with either, but the events that happened after I opened my heart (as cold and rusty and broken down as it is) hurt me. A lot. To love, and be turned down.. rejected.. put on hold.. it hurts. It makes a closed off person, such as myself, want to not trust as easily again. Was it good that I was able to get to that point? Yes. Absolutely. Was their intentions to hurt me? No, of course not.. they cared for me in their own way too (or so I hope). The way I’ve noticed it affecting me lately has been in my ability to love without hesitation. I find myself questioning everything I feel or think or want… is it appropriate? is it too much? am i being my overwhelming self again?

I never want to be that pathetic girl again, I never want to give myself to someone who doesn’t REALLY want it. I hold back a lot of myself a vast majority of the time, all those soft and squishy bits deep down inside are valuable to me. They’re what I find to be most special about me.. Friends and ex’s alike have always fed this notion that they in turn felt special for being allowed to see all my special soft and squishy bits.

I’d thought that once I found something worth loving again, I’d do it right. I’d have all my shit together, I wouldn’t be the hurt broken little girl anymore. I wouldn’t hesitate for a moment in opening up and pouring out my love. I felt for the first few months that everything was growing in such a healthy way, that I was doing everything right. Then things changed, and now I can’t help but feel a vast majority of the time that I’m not doing things right, that I’m failing, that I’m not good enough, that I’m not really wanted but more a convenient second option. What kills me is logically, I know this isn’t the case.. nothing has been SAID to make me feel like that. I want to react two different ways, one is to self-sacrifice. Put up with all the things that make me feel this way, to tell myself that this is how things are wanted to be and I need to shut the fuck up and take it.

The second is to fight, to be the squeaky wheel, to stand up and say, “look.. you want me? then want me. You want me to be around, then you need to be around too.” I remember I used to tell Vie all the time that if he was going to come over or to bring me over or want to spend time with me in a regard, then he needed to be present. While I’m certainly poly, I’m a huge proponent of one on one time in relationships. I believe that every relationship, even in a group dynamic, needs to be fostered on an individual basis especially when relationships are new. I know at least for me.. one on one alone time with people is when I connect. It’s when I feel that connection… trying to build a relationships without that, not only is frustrating to no end but it also goes back to how I remember feeling last summer. My love is filled with intensity.. intensity that sometimes I don’t know what to do with even when I do have one on one time with people. I want the people I love to be able to feel that intensity.. to feel what it means to me to love them.. to feel how much I’ve grown to love them… the hiccup is that it is personal. I only want to show the INTENSITY of my love to the people it is for.. at least until the discomfort of new-found love is gone, until I’ve found my comfort in my love (which for someone who is so slow-to-warm is a very important thing).

I don’t even know what direction this post has taken anymore.. my mind is so freaking jumbled and I just want to be able to let go.. to let it all out and to
“refresh” myself again. To calm down the intensity that is dying to burst out… to restart my internal timers and move on to the next hurdle.

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