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Skeletons in the Closet

January 5, 2010

It’s time to share again, this is something very personal for me to be writing on, but it’s been going through my mind a lot lately and I’ve been told I need to let it out and that talking about it helps.. so here I go…

I didn’t identify as “kinky” when I first discovered the scene.  I was curious, I didn’t know what I was (besides being almost certain that I was submissive) and really just was looking for new experiences.  I made a marvelous friend in Vie and he introduced me to people as well as helped me discover my particular kinks and desires.  Since then, I have found other like minds in people like Mr.Rawr and PT (I haven’t written about her yet.. stories to come soon perhaps) who also have a passion for my kinks.  I am coming into my own skin and getting more comfortable, which leaves me really available for exploration.

I believe that I have briefly mentioned before that before the scene, when I still lived in LA I was just slightly emotionally damaged but I haven’t talked about it much.  It’s something I don’t talk about much in general.  I never knew how to describe the dynamic between my father and I.  I often would say I was “his good little daddy’s girl” but beyond that I didn’t have a term or phrase in my vocabulary for it.  A few months in, Vie and I were discussing D/s dynamics and it occurred to me that I had a very Dominant/submissive relationship with my father.  Lately I’ve been delving deeper into D/s with Mr.Rawr and a lot of the reactions I’ve finding myself having are triggering emotions that I haven’t felt in a very long time. It’s hard.  I want a deep D/s relationship in my life, and yet I don’t want people like Mr. Rawr or PT to go thinking that because of my reactions I don’t really want it.  I don’t want to give the wrong impression, but at the same time I can’t help but let out the emotions as they surface.  I’ve held onto them for 20 years and now that I’ve worked so hard to begin getting myself stable again I’m so afraid that by letting all the emotions left over from the abuse out will push them away or give them the wrong impression.  I’ve grown to care for them so much and at this point, don’t want to lose what I’ve found.

I don’t know what more to say on this right now and it’s kind of an incomplete thought so please pardon it’s ragged edges, but I’m certain this will be picked up and revisited later.

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