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December 13, 2009

Preface:  This is probably the most personal post I’ve written in the last year of blogging. I’m not even sure how I feel about people knowing about it.. but I’m hoping that writing about it and making it less of a secret will help me finish processing. If assault/rape/force is something that bothers you, please don’t read any further. If you are not a regular reader, please note that this was a scene with someone who I have a close relationship with and we have previously negotiated how consensual non-consent fits into our relationship.

I walk back into the apartment from having taken the puppy out for a walk. It was late morning and Vie and I had just gotten back from breakfast and he had an hour or two left to get ready for work. When I had left the take my puppy outside I had heard him turning the shower on, so I figured he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t rushing today. Now that I was back inside, the water wasn’t running like I had expected. “Well that was fast..” I think to myself as I’m unhooking Cane from his leash. I start to walk down the hallway toward the bedrooms, figuring I’d sit around and bug Vie while he gets ready. But to my surprise, he walks out of his room, still in his clothes from this morning.

It all happens so quickly that I don’t quite have the time to think about what is happening…. I feel the familiar sticky of duct tape across my mouth and jaw. He slams me back against the wall in the hallway, pulls my hair and begins to force me toward the living room. I couldn’t quite keep up with the walking backwards and I trip and fall to the ground. This doesn’t phase him as he continues to drag my body down the hall. Once he gets to where he wants, I feel a knee in my back and his hinged handcuffs around my wrists. The  view of my body contorted on the carpet of my living room is the last thing I will see for a while because at this moment he stretches a length of duct tape across my eyes as well…

He hasn’t said a word. His silence becomes power and he doesn’t need to speak for me to understand that there is no getting away, what has begun cannot be stopped. He pulls me to my feet and before I can even regain balance I am thrown across the room and land face down on the arm of one of the couches.  He pulls my hips up to rest on the arm, leaving my legs dangling. I feel my pants pulled down to around my knees and I hear what I presume is him disrobing as well. He proceeds to fuck me. This is not sex, there is nothing deep and intimate. It is impersonal, I can’t feel him there with me like he used to be when we’re intimate. He fucks me over the arm of the couch for a while, occasionally pulling my hair up so that my neck is tilted and breathing becomes difficult. After a while, however I tell him that I can’t breathe.. the way the arm is pushing up against my lower stomach is restricting my breathing a little too much at this point. Still without saying a word, he picks me up by the hinge of the cuffs and throws me onto the second couch and rips the duct tape off my mouth so I can breathe a bit better. My pants, which were resting around my knees, are pulled off completely to allow for better access. I’m on my back, with my hands cuffed underneath me, still blindfolded by the tape. He continues to fuck me, and eventually comes on my lower stomach.

At this point I’m expecting the scene to end. I’m expecting to feel my tape pulled off my eyes, him to be wiping me off and turning me over to uncuff me. I’m expecting this to be followed by us laying on the couch for a good while with him comforting me and reassuring me how much he loves me. But, I hear nothing.

Instead, I hear the shower turn on again. Perhaps he would prefer to wash off today? A few minutes in and it has become clear to me that the scene isn’t over. I lay on the couch, still cuffed, still blindfolded, legs spread (because at the angle I’m laying, half off the arm of the couch.. it’s rather hard to move anything), covered in his cum. Feeling it begin to find its way down the curves of my stomach, I start to cry behind my tape. Partially a release, partially because once again he did something for me when I was ready to walk away, but partially because I’m alone. When he finally comes back out to the living room, he speaks to me for the first time since I walked back into the house, “couldn’t find the key huh?” I’m still not sure if it was a joke or if he really expected me to have gotten myself out of my restraints.

After all the tape is removed and I’ve been cleaned off he asks me what I need. “Koala time,” is my answer. When I’ve been emptied out emotionally, I often need intense tactile stimulation to recharge myself. I need someone to hold on to me tight and to remind me that I am still LOVED- that I am still worthy and valued and beautiful. We cuddle in bed for a while, but again.. something isn’t quite the same.

I felt GOOD about our scene after it happened. I felt OKAY about our scene later that evening. But the last few days since, I have begun to feel more and more not myself. Something is off and I’m just not sure where to go from here.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 15, 2009 8:01 pm

    Hugs. Let me know if you want to have a talk at some point about this. It’s hard when things change.

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