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A Few Quick Thoughts

December 6, 2009

I often ponder about a great many things in my life. I’m an introverted over-thinker type and it’s one of my not exactly “great” personality quirks.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about me and how I relate to the way others view submission…

I’ve very much gotten the feeling from others that I act inappropriately for a submissive. I am opinionated, feisty, and a bit of a brat (as Ms. Angell says, the good kind.. the playful kind.. not the sammy kind). It’s who I am, Evey is very playful and it’s an aspect of myself that I rather like. I don’t enjoy having to bite my tongue and be someone else… part  of the freedom I found in the Scene came from the feeling that I could really be myself and people would accept that. Some people have tried to tell me that this doesn’t make me a submissive, but rather a bottom. I disagree. While I may come up with snarky comments and what not, the moments when I’m looking up into the eyes of those I have that deep connection with… THAT is why I identify as a submissive. The feeling of calm I experience when I honestly can tell my partners that I trust them to do to me what ever they wish with me and completely give in to the journey they take me on.. THAT is why I identify as a submissive.

Recently, I’ve had a few experiences that have left me wondering if my partners maybe don’t appreciate my playfulness. Is there really a problem here? Is teasing not okay? Do I need to bite my tongue and be the docile submissive? I don’t want to be that person.. I’m very much still exploring the terms and depth of my submission but one thing I do know, is that when it comes to my partners, I want to be accpeted completely. I don’t want someone to try and change me. This isn’t happening now or anything, but I do think ahead to the next step of, if this isn’t okay with a partner.. then it is something that needs to change to make Him happy. The possibility of that internal conflict, not wanting to change but at the same time wanting to please, concerns me.

Any thoughts or insight on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

❤ Evey

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