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I’m more who I was a year ago, now.

November 11, 2009


I haven’t posted much in the last few months, and what I have has been fueled by emotions- primarily sadness and frustration. I’ve kind of hit a wall, there have been very few new experiences that have left me feeling inspired to share. I hadn’t been exploring or feeling very adventurous at all for that matter. In fact, I’d kind of been doing the opposite. Much of what Gordon and I were working on involved building what he calls my “foundations”, the core qualities and attributes I need in my life to keep me stable. In the beginning they were very lacking and I was an utter mess.

I feel like I’m growing. My anxiety attacks are fewer and further between than they once were. My relationships with those in my life feel more stable, I’m learning to give what is appropriate and to ask for what I need as well. This leaves me in a rather precarious situation- in terms of my experiences I’m no better than a 12-year-old girl. My “crushes” feel different, I’m learning how to react and function in a much healthier way than before. This is good, but oh lord do the growing pains hurt.

I had just written something mumbling on about how I didn’t know how much to divulge about the present, but Fuck that right? I realized it is contrary to the reason I began keeping this blog to begin with.  The simple fact is, someone has come into my life who I have been spending time with on and off for the last few weeks. We’ll call him Mr. Rawr. The difficult part is that many of the qualities that Mr.Rawr possesses are very similar to what I have been looking for.  There is chemistry, I think. I feel very alive and comfortable at the same time when we are together. Doesn’t seem so bad right? It’s so very scary not knowing where things are going with all this. I entered the situation just happy to have another play partner. At every turn, however, he has surprised me going a step further than I expected. What is a girl to do when something in her life starts to go as planned? I’ve spent all this time preparing who I am and what I want and oodles and oodles of self discovery.. I wasn’t quite expecting an opportunity, of any sort, to open up to me quite yet.

I’ve been trying my damnedest to keep my wits about me. I’m being painfully understanding of situations and happenings. I’m trusting that my sacrifices will go noticed and rewarded (surprisingly so far they have.. that’s a different one for me). I’m trying to live in the moment and not shut down or push away from intimacy, closeness and caring for someone. I’m trying to be the woman who I’ve envisioned for the last year and that’s where the growing pains come in. I’m grateful for the time that I do have with Mr. Rawr. At the same time, the new encounters we’ve had over the last few weeks have given me the examples I needed of what I deserve. They’ve given me a new standard (not THE standard..) of how I should feel in my relations with others. So, there is my dilemma. I’ve found myself feeling new feelings that I’ve been yearning for- but at the same time am afraid of a situation where I could begin to care too much (as I always do) and let myself get more involved than I should. I’m not there yet.. because all the wisdom Gordon has given me over the last few months has me staying strong and level-headed. Everything is going to work out in the end… right??

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 12, 2009 5:11 am

    Maybe you talk with him dear…

  2. November 12, 2009 5:12 am

    Should talk with him that is… ;-p

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