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The spark that lites the fire

October 12, 2009

This weekend has me in a haze. I don’t feel like myself, and it’s provided some very interesting introspection. My natural inclination has always been that if I don’t like who I am or what I’m doing in my life to make a big change, and the rest will fall into place. So I have a big change I want to make, I think it’s a positive thing for me because a lot of my tears and pain seem to stem in some way shape or form from where things in this aspect of my life are now. Unfortunately, not pushing away is something that I have been fighting with all my being these last few months, I haven’t wanted to be the girl who up and leaves when things don’t go the way she wants. But at the same time, everything I’m learning from Gordon is telling me that I need to accept the things that I need in my life and not keep putting myself in situation where I’m never going to get what I want.

So what is it that I want that I’m not getting?

– I want to be wanted. I want to feel that by being around I’m serving some sort of purpose. I want my constant open availability for those who matter to be appreciated. I want to feel like I’m not the one constantly coming to others for their time, I want to occasionally feel the feeling of others requesting to spend time with me. When I say all this, I’m talking about serious partners, I have friends who are wonderful in this regard. What I’m getting at is those whom I consider Primary or pretty darn close to it.

– I’m tired of being “close but not quite right”. I want someone who appreciates and loves me for my curves. I want someone who doesn’t need to tell me that I’m not quite their type. I want someone who thinks I’m one of the most beautiful women on earth. I’m tired of my last few relationships, even if I’ve known that they’re not necessarily leading to anything serious, feeling like the level of attraction is a bit one sided on my part. I’m worth more than that..

– When it comes to the kink world I don’t want to have to ask to play with someone I consider a partner. Sometimes, I want to be told that we’re playing that night. All this begging and pleading as of late is far too unbecomming and I don’t want to let myself be that girl anymore. I don’t have any more time for people who can’t make time for me. If you don’t have the time to play with me on a regular basis- we’re not play partners. If you don’t have time to do a scene AND aftercare, I’m not playing with you. If you’re going to disrespect me by giving me that kind of treatment as if I’m leftovers then I’m not the girl you get to play with.

– Occasionally, when I ask you to go to a party WITH me, I want to be the center of your attention for the night. I want to be the first to be played with. I want to be the one on the recieving end of your physical attention. I want to feel as if I’m your date for the night.. even if we don’t have a romantic relationship. For me these are detachable actions. Yes, they denote care and love, but nothing more necessarily. I don’t want to feel as if I’m an inconvenience to the point where someone else gets rewarded for putting up with me being with you for the night. That’s not how poly works.

Overall I’m done being looked over for all the possiblity I can bring to the table. I’m so done. I have learned from Gordon that while I can have love in my life, I’m the one who gets to determine at what level. If someone can’t return what I need from any level of relationship then I have the right to say “No, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want because you can’t give me what I need. We can be friends and share love in that regard, but I can’t give you anything else until something changes.”

Changes will me made. I’m not running away this time, I’ve told myself that I don’t want to be the girl who just gets up and leaves, but that doesn’t mean I have to be the girl bending backwards when she isn’t getting what she wants out of things anymore. I’m not leaving, I’m just placing boundaries. They’re certainly movable, but only for those willing to accomodate my needs in return. Somewhere along my path I forgot that while I might be a submissive I’m not a doormat and I feel pathetic that over the last 9 months that’s essentially what I’ve let myself become.

So, I’m done with the tears.. I’ll just leave it at that.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 17, 2009 12:30 am

    I am so proud of you. Regardless of who this is about, and how sad I am for the feelings that have lead to this growth, I am so proud of you for choosing yourself, and putting your feelings first. Know that.

    Call me, punk!

    <3s,

    -S

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  1. I’m still processing. « Voyeurondisplay’s Blog

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