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Where Did Evey Go?

September 10, 2009

Ah.. I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately as well. I swear I’m still here… err.. somewhere. I’ve been kinda burried under a huge pile of work stress, long hours, settling into the apartment and well a whole mess of changes in several relationships. Kinda has me bummed out, but I will EVENTUALLY survive. As my mentor either told me or eluded to this week, I might not like who I am, but there are people like him who like who I have the potential to be. So the fight must continue because there apparently is awesome in me waiting to be unleashed.

In my bit of a lull there has been a great deal of introspection. Who am I in the scene? Where do I want to be? What do I want to be getting out of my experiences? Where am I now? etc, etc.. What I’ve really focused on is where I see myself in terms of D/s roles. I want to share a bit of what I’ve discovered, I suppose in the hope that someone can give me some feedback, perhaps advice of how to go about things further. But back on topic!

Where am I now?

I’m full of desire. I want to be somewhere! I am feeling the draw for more structure and dominance in my life. I dabble with service. I take care of the household stuff in our apartment. I have unofficially played the part of pet for the night or moment or what not. I am involved in a lot of relationships what are unofficial in nature.. some with a great deal of potential, but going somewhere takes two.

How Do I Identify?

I’m submissive, this is something I know for certain. Most of my interactions I merely bottom to my tops. But there are a select few people whom I feel very submissive toward and this is obvious. Is this as far as my submission goes? I’m not so sure. I feel like I might be more.. would I dare to say I identify as slave? At this point I don’t want to answer that, I don’t want to put my self in a box I’m not ready to be put in, or exclude myself from a box I might later fit in perfectly.

What Do I Want?

I want to be working on making forward progress. I want to test how far my submission goes. I want to experience more, I want to be giving more of my self and more of my service and more of my control to someone. There are a few people that I would trust enough to experiment with, but don’t know if they necessarily would be interested in return, so I’m hesitant to ask. I know I need something super structured. I need something very official. It doesn’t necessarily need to involve romance, sex, or anything of the sort. I’m literally just looking for more life experiences.

So ya.. I hope this kind of gives and idea of where I’m at. Any help or advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been getting so frustrated feeling like I’ve reached a plateau. I know a great many people in the scene outwardly see my style of play.. but I’m more than a kick ass demo-dolly and masochist. I first identified with the bdsm world because of my desire to submit, but that somehow got set aside along my journey. I need to begin pushing my limits and testing myself again. Yup. /end ramble

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