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To Be Noticed…

July 8, 2009

At about the age of 15 I discovered a band and fell in love. Every one of their songs on every one of their albums I felt could be the soundtrack to my life at some point or another. Granted, now I realize.. ya, Evey.. that’s because they’re about generic waves of emotions that a vast majority of people experience. I still don’t care though, all it takes is either the Swiss Army Romance or The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most albums to put me at ease when I’m feeling really down.

I was calming myself down after a long day of work and stress in my personal life when this song came on. I’ve heard it hundreds of times, but tonight it struck a particular chord with me. I very much sympathize with the entire notion of the song on several levels. (Now is the point where you should listen to the song if you haven’t already.. but don’t make assumptions, let me explain. It’s not quite what you might think on first listening.)

In a couple different areas of my life I’ve found myself not being “enough”. Or, perhaps it would be better to say, I wasn’t just quite the right fit….

My best friend from LA is getting married in the next year and called to ask me to be in her bridal party. I was honored and said yes of course! But a part of me was sad that while she would be my obvious choice for that title if I decided to get married tomorrow, that for her I wasn’t it. I love and cherish our friend whom she chose, and I understand why she did. But at the same time, the idea it represented brought me down. Seeing someone as something particular in your life and it not being completely reciprocated is a tough one to swallow. I feel it elsewhere in my life too. I’m a great play partner, people have fun doing scenes with me, but it’s not enough to want to play on a regular basis. Yet I love and cherish all my play partners and would kill to play with them all much more regularly (the catch being it takes two..). I’m told I’m beautiful and sexy and attractive, but not enough to be lusted after and wanted in a “I can’t keep my hands off you kinda way” by my partners. I lust after my partners, Vie comes over at times after work in his uniform and his side harness thingy and I puddle at the door. I do a great job in terms of service, I’m attentive and motivated and eager.. but not enough to be wanted as someone to be In Service.

I’m tired of being almost, but not quite. I’m tired of feeling like for the people in my life that I love beyond reason, I can’t be what they need. I want to be noticed for who I am, and not what I’m not. I’m sitting here crying, and I never cry. I’ve done all this work opening myself up and recreating this person who isn’t a shy, cowardly, introverted little girl who protects herself with emotional walls.. for what? To be let down by the fact that there’s no one in my life to appreciate the entirety of it and make me feel like this new version of myself is worth the effort? I wish I could be that best friend who is the #1 pick. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and if I don’t have that kind of relationship with her, then who? Who in my life would be the person to ask me to be her Maid of Honor? That’s a big fucking deal.. It’s not the title that matters, but rather the ideal it represents. I wish I could be the partner who feels like she satisfies something in the people she considers primaries rather than literally having to ask, what it is that they get out of their relationship with me.

I don’t know if it’s something that I need MORE from in terms of the relationships I have (because to be honest, I think they’re extended to their limits currently) or if it’s a niche in my life that has been seriously empty for a while, hence the pain. All I know is that I need something in my life to see me for all the parts of me; to notice that there is a romantic, woo-woo, loving, lusty, passionate side to me.

To the man I don’t think I’ve met yet:
“But for now I’ll look so longinly.. waiting.. for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me.”

-Evey

(On a sidenote, this clip of the song is paired with scenes from Great Expectations.. fucking awesome movie.)

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 8, 2009 5:44 pm

    I just came across your blog, and I am sorry you are feeling a void in your life. I know that exact feeling, even though I am in a very fulfilling relationship. I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but I do believe that emptiness may not be fillable by someone else. At the risk of quoting Whitney Houston (or whoever it was), the greatest love of all comes from yourself. But for a lot of us that is a work in progress. From what I have glimpsed here, you are a gorgeous, sexy, intelligent woman, so I am sure you will figure it out.

    • voyeurondisplay permalink*
      July 8, 2009 11:22 pm

      Thank you very much, and I agree with you. I know that my feeling of self worth isn’t the responsibility or burden of others. Rather, I see it as my own failure that because of the insecure girl named Cait who started this blog, the woman who has blossomed in the meanwhile, Evey, is left in this predicament. Wow, weird using 3rd person like that haha. But I hope it illustrates my point. My choices and decisions about the people involved in my life were made prior to my personal growth, and now that I’m starting to really get back to being well again I’m coming to realize that the people surround me aren’t fulfilling some of my basic needs.

  2. Joe Colorado permalink
    August 21, 2009 12:27 am

    I caught your profile on collarme and I thought I’d read some of your blog. This entry really caught my attention so I thought I’d reply.
    I love to play however I’m finding that playing and just doing scenes isn’t working for me like it used to. Don’t get me wrong I love being a Dom. What I’m tired of is the necessary emotional distance you have to maintain with a play partner or any casual relationship. I need a closer more fulfilling connection. To be the primary and to focus and that certain person. To lavish on her the attention that she needs and deserves. How do you find it? How do you find a girl who likes the lifestlye and who’s emotionally open enough to have a serious relationship?
    I’ve been in love. I want that feeling again.

  3. Joe Colorado permalink
    August 21, 2009 12:28 am

    ack death to typos

  4. March 16, 2010 12:00 am

    Evey, when we get hurt we start to build filters. It’s so very hard to recognize them at times and sometimes they are impossible to remove. After 42 years I finally realized why I do some things that I do and I sabotage myself because of past relationships. I maintain distance with people till I get to know them and feel safe. I tend to “disappear” at parties because I find getting to close to be sometimes painful. From age 20 to 30 I lost most of the people that were dear to me, all through stupid accidents or suicides. I think I spent that decade going to a funeral every month. It wears on a person… I tend to care deeply about the people that have remained in my life and it simply devastates me when one goes away. Even putting down my cat last week has left me in an emotionally unstable place because there is no one left.

    We are who we are cracked and broken in spots but still usable and glued back together. I’m often reminded of the velveteen rabbit, Love makes you real.. People love you for who you are, you are enough and they love you even though your fur is worn thin in spots. It is what defines you. You will find your place where you feel safe and no longer have anxiety and I know you will find a way to stabilize yourself.

    Just drop me a line if you need someone to talk to….you are not alone.

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