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Evey Can Haz?

June 15, 2009

I have learned a valuable lesson this weekend: I need to ask for the things I need.

The last week or so I’d been slowly spiraling into this weird funk/depression thing and was really upset. I feel that I did a really good job about being honest with HOW I felt, not something I had been previously adept at, but didn’t know where to go from there. I will admit, my last serious post about wanting to play hard was a part of my communication regarding how I felt. I was hurt and upset. I needed attention and help getting through how I was feeling, and didn’t know how to ask for it. I thought play was the answer. I thought if one of my serious play partners were to set up a real scene with me (which i haven’t don’t done in a few weeks) they would also somehow give me the help I needed to get thought whatever I was feeling.

Friday night I had planned to go to the TNG party at the Rack Room, didn’t really have the intention to play, nothing had been proposed to me ahead of time. I really was just going to have a good time. Shanna and I started an impromptu scene in the middle of a crowd of people.. objectification, knife play, totally up my alley. She and I have played before with “rules” on a casual basis. She stuck a water bottle in my cleavage and bent me over in my 4″ heels and told me not to drop it while she spanked me, played with her knife and various other fabulous things. Would have been great if the crowd watching hadn’t thrown off my energy. I was very upset by the “boo”s when I dropped the water bottle and later again when her knife fell off my back. I don’t do negative reinforcement. And I am fairly certain Shanna hadn’t invited the crowd to become involved in the scene. Humiliation is not play I take to lightly. And certainly not with a group of people I don’t know, if I were to experiment with it, it would be with in the safe confines of a trusted play partner. Needless to say, it didn’t help my mood.

I spent a good part of the night after getting home from the play party and almost all of Saturday really depressed. I felt for other reasons that Friday was yet another instance of being proposed a play session and things falling though. It’s frustrating. Saturday morning it got progressively worse. It started off with an achy feeling in my chest that slowly began to implode as the morning went on. I crawled under my covers and just wanted to hide, I couldn’t fathom asking for what I needed from the only person left who I hadn’t turned to and to be honest was avoiding asking, Vie. He saw me curl under my covers and I’m assuming could feel me falling and crawled on top of me and pulled the covers down. He made me look at the light and refused to let me bury myself in my hole. Instead, I think he really just ended up crawling in it with me. We laid in my bed for a while talking, me relating stories I hadn’t yet shared, really anything to keep me present. Somehow schooling came up. So I told him the story of why I dropped out, and it led me to ask what turned into a pivotal question regarding my father and the possibility of someday reconnecting. A lot of issues regarding him that I don’t think I’d yet vocalized came out. I cried on his chest while he talked me back into the present, reminding me of the person I’ve become in the two years of my fathers absence. We talked through a plan, one that I might share after I complete the tasks involved. I hadn’t even realized that I needed to get family issues out. I knew I have been upset, that I’ve been incredibly lonely and overall just depressed. I thought it was about the situations I’ve been finding myself in, but I think what it all ended up being about was finding my ground. I love my adopted family here in Denver, but I’ve been living my life without a constant, like my father used to provide in my life, for almost two years now. By the time he left for the afternoon I couldn’t even imagine feeling like I had an hour or so prior.

So I went to the play party at the Enclave. Getting into my Evey mode definitely helped finalize my day, getting into the happy giddy state of mind.. the glitter.. ohhh glitter. šŸ™‚ I did a bondage/electro/cupping scene with Noan. It was good. Every time I get cupped it just solidifies my love for it. I could have sat there for hours with the cups on my back, being rotated to different parts (so we didn’t go killing my skin) and been in relaxation heaven. It was a good precursor for what was to come. A bit later after watching Vie give one of the newer people a taste of his whip, he was in a giddy playful mood and wanted to know if I’d like a whipping. I obliged, I very much love the energy he gives off with his single tail and gladly take every opportunity to play with it. I know I’m not very good at bottoming to his whip, but seeing as he’s the only person I would ever consider using a single tail on me, practice is slow coming. So we go to the upstairs dungeon (it was quieter and in general is always warmer) and has me stand up on the cross. By the way I’d never played on it before and LOVE the angle and the step up thingy.. very nice. He single tailed me for a while.. I took as much as I could but just got to the point where it wasn’t working for me. I called yellow and told him I couldn’t do anymore stingy. He asked if I was done or if I just wanted to change what we were doing. I certainly wasn’t done- I needed a fucking scene! haha Only toy he’d brought up with was the bullwhip, so he started hitting me with the back end (one of my favorite toys anyways) and I’m not sure when but he put the whip down at some point and just started punching me. I don’t know how hard he was really going, we haven’t recapped yet, but it seemed fairly rough to me. At least it was for my first full body punching scene. It was exactly what I needed. The energy, the pain, the thud… I was almost in tears at one point. It was a great scene to end the kind of day I’d had.

So, after saying all that- I got what I needed this weekend, and a little more. The emotional part I didn’t KNOW I needed, a part of me thinks Vie actually pulled it out. But the play, I’ve known I needed it, and really thought there were only two people who could give me fully what I needed- Vie or Cross. Somewhere along the development of my relationship with Vie, play became something I began to think of as a reward. I never classified him as my play partner. We played, but sparingly. We were centered around very different things and scene related play just wasn’t one of them. When I was new, I didn’t know what boundaries he wanted to have in public, so I didn’t press things. After that, he had a girl who’s boundaries I was trying to respect. Public play was their thing, and during that time I just didn’t see him as much as I once had. Now, I found myself still functioning under those parameters- scenes just weren’t something I felt I had the right to ask for. So I didn’t. When I got to play it was for a reason- breaking in a new whip, my birthday.. it was a reward for an occasion. Not something to do on a regular Saturday night. I know how ridiculous that thought process is, and I now realize that if my relationship is what I think it is, and is as strong as we both think it is, then scenes shouldn’t be an issue. I’m sure asking for things isn’t going to be an easier, but it’s nice to have a new goal to work on.

Moral of the story: honesty is great, but what’s the use in being honest if I can’t put it into context? See.. as much as I preach being “open and honest” I have no issue admitting my own shortcomings on the topic.

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