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June 2, 2009

There are all sorts of crazy thoughts in my head about 90% of the time. I’m an over thinker, a worry wart, and to top it off pretty emotionally high maintenance. I keep most of it to myself because, while they are things I’m feeling, others don’t really need to be bothered with it. I either forget about it in a day or two or it’s my own issue that I need to deal with. I just have to say how rewarding it has been to have my mentor Braddock around. Just today I was spewing all my crazy thoughts to him, which was really frustrating because i know that they’re crazy. I just have this disconnect between my brain and my emotions most of the time so while I don’t want to feel them, I can’t stop it. But he completely called me out on my crap. Not for my actions or acting on my feelings- he knows I don’t generally do that. But completely just told me what reality was instead of trying to make me feel better or to make me feel as if I was somehow valid.

I have a lot to work on with my brain’s many disconnects, but it will all be worth it. Constant and never-ending improvement I say!

Ugh, my apologies if this doesn’t make any sense.

On another train of thought, I’m totally stoked that everyone is coming back tomorrow! Shanna flies in tomorrow night, I believe my roomie is coming back from Durango tomorrow afternoon.. the world of Evey shall be significantly less lonely. Good news indeed. I hope. I suppose there’s always the chance that they have their own lives to live and have other plans than seeing me first thing when they get home, but a girl can hope (and force herself not to be too dissapointed when they’re busy haha).

I really need to start learning to be okay being by myself. I’m lucky to often be surrounded by my friends and beloved peoples, but weeks like this where my “go-to people” just aren’t very “go-to-able” I need to be able to cope in much healthier ways. Anxiety attacks and binging (yes I started to go back down that path. I inhaled my dinner last night. I regretted it the second I did it, which just intensified everything I was already freaking about). It’s hard when my life is so overwhelmingly busy a vast majority of the time. To all of a sudden have this drop off, I honestly sat around last weekend wondering what it was I used to do before I got a social life. I think making plans with myself on a weekly basis and actually sticking to them would help a lot. Often times I schedule in them, but the second Vie wants to hang out, or Shanna calls me up, or something else happens, I push my plans aside for the comfort of friends. Which is great, I love my friends.. but it’s not helping me be a more independent person. Yes. That’s it. I’m going to start scheduling in Evey-time every week. Baby steps…

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 1, 2009 9:15 pm

    Isn’t always that the smart interesting girls are the ones who can hardly stop ther own minds? 😀

    Loving your blog.

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