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Service

May 28, 2009

Often times I find myself put in a box of who and what people think I am. Therefore, my struggle has been to ensure accuracy, both in the scene and even in private relationships. There are a LOT of tangents I can go off onto here, most notably on the nature of the various relationships in my life. But the one on my mind at the moment is something that I’ve been watching relatively silently for the last few months.

I’m now self-identifying as service oriented. This realization was definitely slow coming about and was one that I’m sure I have always had tendencies toward but never quite knew how to define. From a very young age I was daddy’s good little service oriented subbie, and throughout my life had learned how to be happy serving friends and people close to me without realizing I was doing it. I am not, however, the type to just offer myself to someone. My service is something I generally offer to those I care about in some fashion and only after I know their general requests, wants and needs. But up until that point, I’m not into arbitrary service. It’s not a part of me that I wear on my sleeve and certainly didn’t know about when entering the scene. In fact, the first instance I had regarding my service identity was with Vie. He had a friend in town who had stayed at his place and she had cleaned everything for him. When I was next over I commented on how organized everything looked, very impressive indeed. He then made a comment about how it was great having service oriented subs come visit him, and that he missed having one around or something to that effect. I remember pausing to think, because.. hell.. I’d clean for him! So I told him, “well ya know.. if you ever want me to help with anything just let me know because I’m around all the time.” His response was something along the lines of, “ya, but you’re not very service oriented. It’s okay.” I was perplexed, I’ve always enjoyed being useful and of service, but I wasn’t going to offer to do anything in his house because, well, it wasn’t my house and I presumed that if he had wanted me to do anything he would ask. We talked a few other times about service after this, and he very much enjoys the type of service submissive who just DOES without being asked. That is very much not me, after all, how do I know how you like to have the dishes put away or the counters cleaned or even the laundry sorted??? Little things like putting away the towel I used to shower with became frustrating to me. After I’d finished getting put back together from showering off, I’d come find him and ask where I could put the towel. Every time he would take the towel from me and go put it in the hamper, but wouldn’t tell me why he chose that hamper instead of the other two or why he had deemed it dirty to begin with. It wasn’t for a while that I grew balls and refused to give him the towel and told him, “ya know, if you show me I don’t have to keep asking you.” Now, things are at the point where I know how the house is put together, so I know how to put it back together when it’s a wreck. Not an issue, my requirements to begin being service-y have been met, and I presume when I am over being useful, it’s appreciated.

Overall, I get the feeling that service isn’t something that people are quick to associate with me. I’m the cute little masochist who, as I was told tonight even, can seemingly take a lot of pain for being so tiny. I’m that girl that prances around the club half naked on weekends and has no shame in identifying as a slut. But the good little service oriented subbie? I feel like that one gets missed often. A few weeks ago at a party I was at, Vie and I were talking and he told me that he’d come up with the perfect label for me. I was intrigued because well there are a few things I thought he could be talking about. He said that I’m a service bottom, with a submissive streak for the right people. I’m not the submissive who is submissive in general- I’m one who is submissive only to those who have earned my respect. But service, yes please! And the masochistic play slut is covered under the label bottom. I liked it.. while maybe not perfect, it’s the closest label anyone has come up with for me thus far. But what pleased me more than the label itself was what he said after it. We had been standing next to someone who was an acquaintance of mine and Vie turned to him and said something to the effect of, “in case you didn’t know, she’s very service oriented.” JACKPOT! It was the come to Jesus moment I’d been waiting for- validation of my service identity from one of the people closest to me in my life.

A few have told me that they very much recognized the desire for service in me from the start. Shanna has been GREAT at indulging this side of my personality. One of the first times we spent together she invited me to her house to clean (in my adorable maid outfit.. pictures to come when I start actually doing HNTs hehe) and has since then made a point to ask me to do things for her even when in public even if it’s something as simple as getting her drink from the bar or holding her handful of groceries when we go shopping. It’s nice, just being of use. People like Shanna and Vie are definitely helping me get more comfortable with the service side of my personality.

Unfortunately not everyone is so welcoming of those who are service minded. I didn’t really think it would be an issues, after all who cares about my intentions and motivations for doing things as long as they get done right? Well about a month ago I had a house meeting with my 3 other vanilla roommates. We discussed a fair amount of nit picky things around the house as well as some issues that exist between some of us. It was fairly productive, at least from the standpoint that we all know where everyone is at. I left the meeting upset about only one thing, and surprisingly it was one girl’s insistence that I’m crazy and don’t know how to handle emotions and need to get the fuck over the things my father did to me because I’m an adult. Rather, it had to do with our discussion on weekly cleaning time. They all wanted to do a whole group bonding thing on Saturday mornings. I told them that I know how I am most productive when it comes to cleaning, and doing things with others doesn’t work for me. When I clean I go into the mentality that I’m doing something for someone else to better their environment and it’s very therapeutic at times, something I experience better when alone. She (the only female roomie I have) became infuriated. How dare I suggest that I view cleaning the house as cleaning “for them” because I am an adult and adults can take care of themselves and I NEED to be cleaning for myself. I didn’t quite understand her logic, but I swear she was more upset with me for my service mentality regarding household chores than she was the night Vie blood choked me in front of her and I dropped to the floor! (awesome by the way..! haha) I mean, I get that everyone is welcome to their views and judgements, but hell.. I wasn’t asking her to be of service to anyone in the house, and I wasn’t offering myself to her in regards to service, I was merely saying I view cleaning the kitchen and other public areas as a service to them that I am MORE THAN HAPPY to provide. It got me thinking, is there an overall prejudice to those who are service-minded in society? I’m not so sure because this is really the only time I’ve encountered anything of the sort. But it left me feeling very attacked for my core being. I can’t help how actions make me feel, I can’t deny the fact that I enjoy doing thing FOR others. Her attacking the validity of my identity was the same as if she had attacked my sexual orientation or ethnicity (which as a white girl growing up in LA, yes I have experienced) or some other arbitrary fact about myself that I can’t change.

So there ya go, 1500 words on service (not like I’m counting or anything.. ~innocently looks the other way~) There’s so much more I can say, and I’m sure I will as I continue to write about my experiences in the scene. Wish this could have been cleaned up all nice and pretty for ya but after 1500 words and two nights of editing, I’m tired and just want to post the damn thing already!

p.s. I was all proud of myself for getting down to only 2 posts in my arsenal of half completed writings, but thanks to the discussion at SKALES on commitment and ownership, I have like 3 more I’m ready to take a stab at. Damn it, this is a never ending cycle!!!

One Comment leave one →
  1. Janne permalink
    June 7, 2010 2:41 pm

    What is blood choking?

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