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So, today I triggered…

May 21, 2009

When I loved Evan, I loved him with my entire being. When we were good, it was one of those relationships where I never felt I had to questions our connection, his love or the intensity. I can still remember laying in bed one afternoon and the exact phrase he said to me, which I believe sums up my entire view of our relationship. I’d come over after 5th period and crawled into bed to join him in his nap. This was customary, as we worked night shifts at the restaurant and only reason I had any semblance of a normal sleep schedule was because of school. Otherwise, he slept during the day and would be waking up soon after I crawled into bed usually (yes, he literally woke up next to me most days, even if I hadn’t been there the entire time, wasn’t the waking up part the most important? haha). He’d just woken up and was laying on his back. Usually I was the big spoon to his little spoon- interesting how I find myself in that role in my relationships- but this particular afternoon he was lying on his back with me nestled in “my spot”. My head resting in that perfect place between his shoulder and chest, arm draped across his stomach, snuggled close against him. My spot was my comfort zone with him… we had just woken up and I believe were talking about my best friend and the boy she had just broken up with. I remember him looking down and kissing me and telling me, “you’re lucky you found forever the first time around”. For three, maybe four if you count the year of long distance-ish-ness, he was my world. I loved him without question and he made me feel at home. I loved him because he loved me. I loved him because he gave me an escape from the bad stuff that happened in LA. I loved him because he was the first person I’d met who wanted me too. Not only was he the love of my life, he was my best friend. He remained my best friend even after we split when I moved to Denver. We talked every day and I really thought it was the type of friendship that would last forever. He was the last guy best friend I had before Vie. I don’t befriend people easily, at least not at that level. Not in the way that allows access to my innermost walls and boundaries.

Evan did bad BAD things to me. He lied.. big lies. When I met him he told me he’d quit smoking weed a year prior to us meeting, when in reality a year into the relationship I found out he had never quit and had been hiding it from me. He cheated on me in our VERY monogamous relationship. He slept with another woman he worked with two years into our relationship and told me one morning after I’d made us breakfast after a night and morning of great sex because he wanted one last night. He never trusted me. I befriended his best friend’s little brother who was my age. We played video games a lot together and had a lot in common, Evan felt insecure and installed a key logger on my laptop and read every conversation I had on IM and every email I wrote for at least 3 months. The week of my 21st birthday when he had flown out to Denver to be with me, he left me stranded in Lakewood for 3 hours while i walked 10 miles trying to find my way back to a bus stop that could take me downtown because he decided to get high with his friends and play video games.

Perhaps the worst thing he did to me was the last. He was my best friend and he stabbed me in the back. He took my heart and threw it in the fireplace. About 10 months ago he told me he wanted to start dating a woman who was my closest female friend in Denver. She was also my roommate. She was the first woman I’d allowed myself to get close in a real intimate friendship kind of way since leaving my best friend Karen back in LA. They both knew how I felt about him and didn’t care. They decided that breaking my trust (they had been already fucking behind my back) and my heart on top of losing my friendship was worth the risk. I was devastated. I’d gone from the best friend, to someone worth throwing aside for some woman he’d known for a few months. My trust was completely obliterated and I hurt for a very long time after.

Today I triggered.

I don’t even really know how to explain it while maintaining a sense of tact and respect for parties involved. It’s not my story to be telling in terms of the events that led to my trigger. But I can say that I got really depressed and I think a part of me worried that the same thing was going to happen again… having my trust broken, me cast aside and losing something that I’ve put so much of me into. My friendships are important to me. Because of a lot of things from my childhood that I’m still dealing with, I need to know I have a place and that changes elsewhere aren’t going to make me go away. I need to know that I’m loved and needed, part of being high maintenance like I’m always talking about. The situation didn’t involve a boyfriend or a love of my life. It wasn’t an issue with monogamy or actual abuses of trust. It merely resembled what Erica and Evan did to me so much that my subconscious went there. I was sitting at my desk this morning thinking all sorts of terrible thoughts and until something was said to me to make me feel necessary and like i was still safe within the niche I’ve carved out for myself.. I was starting to get really depressed and probably walking into a mild panic attack. It’s an issue that I have to deal with, and it sucks. It’s not anyone else’s fault that I triggered, the logical part of me knows even that those involved AREN’T Evan and Erica. I just can’t escape this feeling that I will end up unwanted and kicked out of my niche. Irrational, I know.

Man I hate this whole embracing and owning up to my emotions thing. I know it’s going to help me get over them in the long run on top of continuing open and honest communication, but FUCK.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Ashley permalink
    May 21, 2009 10:51 am

    “I need to know I have a place and that changes elsewhere aren’t going to make me go away. I need to know that I’m loved and needed”… This part mirrors my emotions exactly. The feeling of needing to be safe in the place that you have found and that provides happiness and comfort. You literally said pretty much the exact same thing I found myself saying to someone over a year ago. It’s incredibly honest and hard to say so I empathize with where you’re coming from. Congratulations on getting it out in the open though! You are getting stronger every day. 😀 I love you tons!

  2. ~PixieWolf~ permalink
    May 22, 2009 1:22 am

    I can empathize and relate more than you know hon…. so *big hugs*

    It’s something I still deal with and fight myself on daily, so if you need someone who understands, I’m here 🙂

  3. Janne permalink
    June 7, 2010 10:56 am

    once again, i find it spooky that you and i are so much alike. the bad stuff part is almost identical to what i went through six months ago. so i feel your pain and have the same issue with feeling like i will never quite be safe again. and while in that relationship i really, truly, to the bottom of my soul believed that i was safe. so… yeah.

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