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Dare to cross the line?

May 15, 2009

I have boundary issues. I’m trying REALLY REALLY hard as of late to be okay with people being in my physical space in an intimate way. Which I’m sure sounds odd.. aren’t I always talking about things with Vie? Ya, apparently his involvement in my life is a bit of an anomaly. I can feel completely comfortable around him, but when it comes to new people I freeze up and don’t know what to do. This last week was full of experiences that I WANTED, but part of me pulled away and I was left feeling totally confused. So I went and thought about it a lot. Then I talked to Braddock as well as a few females in the scene who I respect and that helped too.

I’ve at least begun to think I’ve got part of it figured out. Ok, let me clarify even further. The biggest problem I have right now is the fact that I’m like deathly afraid to let someone get close enough to kiss me. That’s a lot of energy right there, and I don’t know I just freak when I’m put in those kind of situations. It’s been so long since I’ve been THAT intimate with someone, and yes because of my present relationship and situation I have grown to see kissing as a very intimate act, even more so than sex. So essentially there in lies the problem. Kissing TO ME because of my current partners views has transcended even his views of kissing. If I’m in a relationship with a certain degree of intimacy, sexual involvement, care, love, friendship etc and don’t even reach that level with him.. it just doesn’t connect in my brain how I can NOT be sexually involved nor nearly as intimate with another person and kiss them.

I don’t really know where to go from here. I mean, I feel a lot better that I’m at the point where I at least understand WHY I’ve gotten here I just don’t know what to do now. I WANT that level of intimacy.. I WANT to be able to be comfortable with my sexuality the way I once was.. I used to not care about the details and would just enjoy the moment. If I was kissing my best friend in the kitchen while having a few beers.. great! Making out with hot bartender around the back of a diner at 3am.. even better! lol. But now I’ve become the girl who even at the tail end of an amazing scene that surprised and pleased me at every twist and turn got scared when the energy turned more intimate. I don’t like that girl. She’s not the person I want to be. I want to fix that.

I’m going to be at the Rack Room party tonight… I welcome anyone and everyone to come test my limits.. push me out of my comfort zone please!!

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