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April 12, 2009

From here on out, I am going to be taking another big step up in my venture towards more honesty. I get to use names! I have covered many times about WHY I write (see the About section if you need a refresher) and I feel that being able to talk more freely will push those boundaries of mine even further. I was talking to Vie on Wednesday and he gave me permission to speak even more openly about him and the many facets of our relationship than I have previously. Recently, I have been finding myself wanting to convey experiences we have had together because of the important lessons they have taught or impacts they have made on my life- but that is rather hard if I was going to have to write from the “he who shall not be named” angle. Needless to say, I am both excited and nervous of the power that he has left me with. I get to say even more about what I have been experiencing, which is great! At the same time, because he trusts my judgment and sense of tact, I now have a high standard to which I must live up to in my writing as well as my interactions in the public sphere. *Eeek* for taking a more active role in the trust building of our relationship.

From where I stand, Vie and I had become stagnant for about the last month. When we met, I thought everything was electric. I would be sitting in my bed and he would look across the room at me with that *look* and my body would literally begin shaking. Every type of play we experimented with made me shake! It became one of the many endearing qualities he came to love about me. Well, for the last month I hadn’t quite been shaking as hard. He and I were talking one evening and he flat out asked me if I still felt things were as intense as I once used to go on and on about. My answer? No. It was different. I wasn’t quite sure if my interest was waning or we had just left the honeymoon stage and the lust was wearing off. I also began to wonder if maybe the sex was fading and we were just going to end up being just the amazingly close friends that we are… Perhaps the relationship is maturing? Whatever it was, I was beginning to accept the change.. afterall, I am the only one in control of my happiness. One of the most beautiful things I have found about being in a type of open and honest relationship is is how easy it is to rebound when you find yourself in a not so positive place in the relationship. I was unhappy.. on top of losing some of the energy, I had been working though a lot of issues that he knows of and have been spending a lot of my energy trying to re-adjust to the new situation the little “family” has found itself in. Every weekend I was emotionally drained and in need of a good recharge. So during this plateau of ours I’ve been in a pretty bad headspace.. and it wasn’t until last weekend that I was even able to vocalize to myself, WHY.

Monday evening we were hanging out and the question was posed if he could have me for himself on Friday for the TNG party. We rarely play in public- which I am kind of glad of. It only complicates peoples’ views of us. I happily agreed and asked him what he had in mind. One word: Needles. At the time, I had beautiful spots on my back (scroll down to my previous post for a pictures of my spots!) and he wanted to pierce Xs though every one of them… making something I find incredibly beautiful even more so! The only other time I had tried needles was at Enclave’s Taste of Leather event when I convinced him to pierce me (I think I took 2 25ga’s, one in each breast) .. definitely nothing to brag about. Needless to say I was nervous. While I love trying new things with him, doing so in public has never been an idea that sounded appealing. I need lots of communication and energy when I try new types of play, especially in a full on scene, which isn’t something he can give me when there are oodles of people watching and whispering.

So we decided to do a impromptu scene. He cleared out the space in the middle of the living room and had me bring out the needle box and trash. I sat down leaning against the couch and watched him prepping everything. I watched as he swiped the iodine down my arms. I watched as he put on his gloves and opened the tops of each needle package. I listened while he told me his plans. Looking at his face, I didn’t see the spark, I couldn’t feel his energy. He came and knelt down beside me and asked if I was ready in a very matter of fact tone. I needed HIM if I was going to be able to handle the scene, so I told him to smile. He did.. but it wasn’t the one I was looking for (he has different smiles.. and they all have a meaning). We practiced my breathing and even though I wasn’t feeling the connection, it was my trust in him that stopped me from calling things off and avoiding a scene I feared would be dull and lifeless. I closed my eyes as he slipped the first of the 22s into my arm. My legs began humming underneath me. After it was in, I opened my eyes and locked onto his.It was the same fire behind his eyes that I saw our first night together. They were expectant and looking for an answer, as if asking me, “so….? how was it?!” My own eyes widened and I smirked a bit. That was all it took. He smiled *MY* smile and it was like all the energy he had been holding on to as not to freak me out came pouring out into the room. It was at that point that I felt my heart begin to race and my breath quickened. He continued on, I told him that I didn’t want to know when it was coming, that I trusted him and to just do it. As the second needle, an 18ga, went into my skin I felt a rush as to my surprise my legs began to completely convulse underneath me. The shaking continued for the next 10 needles. It was amazing. I can’t conceive of any other words to describe it.. my creative, colorful vocabulary fails me at the moment.

After the last needle, I sat with my legs crossed and my hands on my knees completely lost in my flight. My chest tingled, my cheeks tingled.. my body was on pins and needles. I was sitting there flying with him next to me holding my hands. We began to play with the idea of moving my arms. First raising them out in front of me as much as I could before the tension became too much. Next out to my sides (which with the shallowly quilted 18ga was not very much haha) and then he challenged me to pick myself up off the floor without his help. What followed next was a blur of energy and sexuality and yummy goodness all the while with me propping myself up on my arms still beautifully threaded with needles. After removing the needles (and a little finger painting) I just felt like collapsing. I was so done. Completely and utterly satiated. I laid on the ground in front of the couch with him above me holding onto my hands and felt more connected and recharged than I did the first night we met with our knife scene.

I reached a new level for myself. It was a type of milestone.. yes it was my first piercing scene, but it was also my first scene where the pain and sexuality fluidly became one. It was another one of those moments that has brought me closer to Vie. I understand why it is that he loves needles.. they are intense and scary and messy and dangerous, but the payoff at the end is completely worth all that.

My shaking is something I hold dear. It is almost as amazing a feeling to me as cumming is. To already be having issues with the latter.. it was getting very frustrating to me to be experiencing diminishing returns on my shaking. This entire week has been a bit of a renewal for me. I was able to re-evaluate where I stand in the grand scheme of the relationship and feel great about it, but most importantly, I found a part of myself I feared I was losing.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Ash permalink
    April 13, 2009 3:40 pm

    🙂 Yay! I’m so glad you were able to talk to him about everything and to make things better. 😀 It sounds like it was an amazing scene and had lots and lots of energy. Yay! Happy!

  2. Noan permalink
    April 13, 2009 6:35 pm

    Glad you had a good scene, dear.

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