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The Way I Am.

March 25, 2009

Okay. Don’t kill me. I realize this song is girlie as all hell. I’m pretty sure I first heard it on Grey’s Anatomy… which doesn’t help my cause here LOL. But alas.. I’m sharing because I was listening to it the other day and realized it completely describes me as a submissive. Ya… read into it what you will.

eager to please…

caring to a fault (If I remember correctly someone had to remind me today to take care of MYSELF too)

and perhaps most characteristically: self-sacrificing.

I enjoy going out of my way to do things for others; even when the end result is contrary to my ultimate goal. If it makes someone else happy, then I will do it for them. I do these things because the people in my life who experience this part of me matter. They matter more than me. And I know people will read that last sentence and tell me I need to have more self confidence because I do matter. But, that’s not what I’m saying. I don’t think I don’t matter.. but rather, the people I love matter more than even I do to myself. Their needs come before mine and it is my gift to them to help them succeed and reach their goals before I get mine.

I have two thoughts on this. The first is that it was a value I was taught while competing in and eventually teaching public speaking back in Los Angeles. You don’t win individually. Winning is a team effort.. even in an individual event. When a teammate of mine placed ahead of me but won the tournament, it wasn’t just THEM winning.. it was all of us. We practiced together, we helped each other, and in each of our speeches was a tiny part of someone on the team. I feel the same way about relationships with people. Whether it is a friendship or an open relationship or a committed lover- each of them takes away a tiny part of me as we experience events in our lives together. When I can help them succeed.. a part of ME is succeeding. Sure, I matter. I want to see myself succeed. I want to become the person I know I am inside. I want to reach the goals I have set for myself. But when It comes to those I love.. really truely LOVE inside and out.. i want to see them become the person they know they are and reach the goals they have for themselves more than my own. In return, I know that because of the love I share, that they will turn around and reach out a hand to pull me up with them.

The other part of this song that really speaks to me as a submissive is the concept of acceptance. Yes, I am a stubborn, passionate, needy, flawed, broken, intelligent, independent girl. I look for people who wish to enhance that.. to support the person I AM and not the person they want me to be. I’m not looking for someone to change my stubbornness or to make me a dependent. I don’t want someone to fix me. That is my job, all I want is someone who can accept these aspects of my Self and support me on my journey.

Meh.. I hope any of this makes sense haha.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2009 7:33 am

    Well, it makes sense to me. And as long as you’re aware of what you’re doing, and you still want to do it, then I’m behind you all the way. There are some submissives who suffer from self esteem issues and they don’t realize they have a choice in the matter. It seems that you know you have a choice, and the choice you’re making is this one.

    I can help you with that, let me know.

  2. Noan permalink
    March 25, 2009 8:09 pm

    Speaking from personal experience, the only fear I would have here is that you let your needs become neglected in your effort to satisfy others. There is something so sweet about being devoted and giving of yourself… don’t ever let that change, dear. Just be sure to tend to yourself as well.

  3. Braddock permalink
    March 26, 2009 4:33 am

    Everyone will have some version of you in their heads Cait, some modified – or modifiable – version of you.

    Even you have that. The person you see yourself as is not the person you are. Sometimes that’s very important in reaching new and better heights, and sometimes it just gets in your way.

    People will look to “fix” you, even the parts of you that you want to keep just the way they are. The important thing is to keep a proper perspective on yourself. Other people’s visions of you can be used as a sounding board, or as readings from a survey team determining how your progress is perceived, but only you can do the work.

    Share the bits of yourself with your lovers and friends. Give them their own pieces and spaces – you’ll find you have plenty of room for them. But you are your greatest work, and the parts of yourself that you carve out in this lifestyle will shape several foundational aspects of your next several years. Life comes in stages, and you’re smack dab in the middle of figuring out how to proceed in this stage.

    This song may describe you as you see yourself as a submissive now, but you’ve barely begun in this lifestyle, and certainly not with a true partner to be the whetstone to your steel.

    My advice to you would be to explore the version of you that the song speaks to, and to enjoy the aspects that work well for you…but to find the next song you want to fit you and discover how to bridge the gaps in your experience to move from version a to version b of your submissive life. It’s always better to choose your path than to have it chosen, though collaborators are key in getting the best kind of unexpected, glorious breakthroughs.

    As you say, it’s a collaborative effort, and right now you have collaborators not of your choosing who are nonetheless impacting your shaping of yourself. Take some of that speech training and remember that the output must be focused if it’s to be successful. And that means the input must be just as carefully monitored and maintained.

    Have fun with that. 🙂 Because once you’ve explored and decided and accepted and changed, then the acceptance of others comes more easily, because you know where you stand and that it’s the right place for you to BE standing. While you seem to know how much you want to give, I haven’t gotten the same feeling of surety from you on what you will take.

    And when others get a sense that your needs are malleable, they will try to mold them to conform to an easier shape for them, not for you. It’s natural.

    So if you want to be taken the way you are, make sure you know what way that actually is. I’m glad the journey’s still a daily joy for you. Keep right on smiling – the yellow brick road is a great trip.

  4. March 28, 2009 11:08 am

    Just like I said today to Miss Angell – I like you because you know who you are, and what you want. Because you’re intelligent and can has a brain. Because to you (or so it seems to me), submissive does not mean doormat.

    So everything else aside, thank you for thinking on who you are, and not changing for others. And thank you for sharing a part of yourself with me – I very much appreciate seeing it.

    -S

  5. Janne permalink
    June 7, 2010 9:20 am

    I just have to say that this is the first time in my life that I have found another person who thinks the way I do. I feel like you are speaking about my life and thoughts. And I am really enjoying reading about your self-discovery. 🙂

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