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Trying a Little Honesty

March 19, 2009

I have a ton of posts that I’m working on at the moment. Some silly.. some more along the lines of just a journal.. think there’s a deep thoughtful one in the works too.

Someone messaged me last week and told me that he thoroughly enjoyed reading my thoughts, but that I was shorting myself. I have all these things I want to say, but he said he could still hear in my writing that I wasn’t really getting things out there. He said that I was being vague and touching on topics, but not fully delving into them. I didn’t get a chance to respond to his message (so if you are reading this.. know that one is coming) but it really made me think. It was the type of honest feedback I needed to refocus my intentions. I had began to write because I thought it would help me be more open. I am currently in the beginning processes of breaking down a lot of walls that were built up from an emotionally abusive childhood. One of them is not sharing how I feel. So just to get a good base reading of where I’m at.. I’m letting it all go today.

DISCLAIMER:
I’m not keeping quiet. I will no longer use monikers or nicknames. If I have written something you do not wish to be public please let me know. Otherwise, I have faith in my sense of tact regarding sensitive situations. My intention is not to turn my writing into a haven for gossip. It is a forum for me to be honest and maybe have people see something that they would not if they talked to me in person.

There are several aspects of my life which have made serious impacts on my headspace.

Probably the most influential at the moment is the simple fact that I am lonely. My social life has all of a sudden become filled with new and wonderous people, but even amongst them, I sometimes feel as if I am by myself. I have very much missed the comforts of Evan (my ex from Los Angeles) in the past few weeks. Having someone who you know at the end of the day you can come home to and that everything is going to be alright. Finding that level of comfort in myself since leaving him has been an incredible struggle, one that sometimes I feel I am losing. Even more difficult is tendency I have to put that comfort and faith and trust in someone else, which is fine… as long as they are a permenant part of my life. The problem has been for me that I have no such permenant people in my life who are here in Denver. I have friends, and very good friends at that, but it’s really not the same

My other issues have been regarding Vie. Nothing with him personally, he is one of.. if not THE.. best friend I have in the scene. My issues have been with how people speak about him to me, and vise versa. It bothers me very much to hear negative things about him. This is not coming from the mouth of a jealous, angry girl.. this is coming from a friend who passionately defends others. I believe in having tact and sense. Private issues are private and ones actions are their own. You may judge, because to be honest we all do, but to act on those judgements and say what one “should” be doing is bullshit. I understand people are wishing me to see certain facts.. but please understand, I wish to make my OWN judgements based off of my own experience. I don’t want to hear what you think he did to you, what you think he did to others or what you think of him in general. I know what I think of him, and sorry to be blunt but that’s really all I care about.

Second issue regarding Vie. I am not his. I do not wish to be his. It is rather hard to chase something you don’t WANT. Don’t presume you know what is going on. Just to put an end to things here is my public statement: Vie is one of my very close friends. I view him as a brother, and nothing more. He has no claim over me, nor I him. I don’t care what he does with other people, that is his business… until you screw him over and then it becomes my business. My business is the business of keeping my friends happy. His view of me is very much the same.

All the whipsering and chatter has been giving me a great deal of anxiety and it feels so refreshing to just say it to someone other than Vie. Afterall, preaching to the choir doesn’t feel quite as satisfactory.

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