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Stress Relief

February 19, 2009

This has been a very tiring and stressful week for me. I’ve smoked almost an entire pack (I’m at most a pack a month on average.. if it’s a good month, I can make it stretch for two), my dermopilomania is getting the best of me, and I’ve had more anxiety attacks than I am comfortable with. I am going to be fairly open and honest in this post and hope I don’t offend anyone, but I need to get some things out there.

Last night was my breaking point. I thought I was okay when I walked into SKALES, but I think the fact that I’ve been swamped with work in my real life was just masking my anxiety. Not to mention I’m a bit of an empath, or a sponge as I like to say. When other people I’m close to are having issues, it affects me. Halfway through the presentation I had two different waves of emotions. The first was a feeling of extreme tension. My chest started twisting into knots and I started feeling very angry and frustrated. The second, was a flashback to one of those bad experiences I’ve alluded to. Coupled together, I found myself curled up under a pillow on the couch. I gradually felt better throughout the night. Perhaps it was all the nicotine and beer. Or maybe even the fact that I had the person sitting next to me just sit and pinch my anxiety away. I’m feeling better but I know the underlying issues are all still there.

I am so freaking tired and it’s honestly unnecessary. I have been sitting and dwelling all week about how it’s “not fair” that I was placed into a situation without full disclosure, that people seem to think I need to know much more than necessary. I know dwelling isn’t the best course of action I could take- especially in terms of my emotional health. I’m just at the point where I’m done. I’m freaking done. I almost walked out several times last night both at SKALES and at dinner after. I’m pretty sure I was on the verge of tears too. Not because anything additional was said, just because thing aren’t settled and I can feel it when I’m there.

I was telling someone something last night, and I think it’s very pertinent. There is the person I try to be, and the person I am. The woman I try to be is sane, logical, rational and one of the best damned decision makers/problem dealers around. The byproduct of being raised by a single father who had issues with women. I like this woman, she ties in very nicely to my tomboy persona who isn’t quite “like the other girls”. It works for me. Only problem is, I have learned to live as this version of myself for so long that even when I really DO have emotions, freaking irrational fucking emotions, I react as her instead of me. This is where the conflict comes in. I get so frustrated because I find silly emotions like sadness, jealousy, etc seeping into my subconscious and they are feelings that I don’t want to feel. rawr.

For those in the know, this last paragraph is very loaded. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Rawr.

I’m going to go smoke now.

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