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Out With The Old

February 15, 2009

I’ve always had a very high sex drive. After breaking up with my first love and moving to Colorado, I acted on that drive and went a little wild hehe. One of the first people I met out here was a man my friends affectionately named “Corn Guy” (there’s a really interesting story behind this one.. but that’s for another time!). Thinking about it, we’ve now been involved sporadically over the last year and a half. My, how time flies! We had always had what I thought was amazing sex, so it was no surprise that every few months we made a point to meet up no matter what our schedules looked like. Only downside was, despite the fact that we are both incredibly intelligent individuals, we have never been able to hold a conversation longer than 10 minutes. There is no personal connection, which had never bothered me before. He was my good time guy- I didn’t like him because he was a great conversationalist. It was his well endowed genetics that won me over!

Last week, I met up with CG and it just wasn’t the same. It was impersonal, and routine feeling. It was in, out, done. Blow job, sex, get dressed. There was no tease… no build up.. no anticipation.. no care and thought. Even his kisses were lifeless. I was on all fours on my bed thinking that I just wanted it to be over. I had never, in over a year with this man, had those kind of feelings about him. He had become a good friend by proxy and a trusted lover. But in the time since I had last seen him, the only thing keeping our relationship alive had died.

Now, this is one of those posts that I’ve been holding on to for about a week, I knew I wanted to address this experience, but I wasn’t sure how. What had I learned from it? After all, I think that’s the most interesting part of a story- the aftermath.

Talking to a friend tonight, I think I know how to put words to the feeling that this experience left me with. It all comes down to energy. That intense connection between two lovers. It doesn’t need be romantic, but emotions are present regardless. There is an exchange of energy that I think is more than just the power exchange present in D/s relationships. Every scene has an element of the D/s power exchange, but at the most only half the scenes I’ve watched have had an energy flow about them. This same energy is absolutely present in vanilla sex too.

I talk about my first love a lot, he was a very important part of my life and had a great deal to do with the person I am today. We were together for three tumultuous years and involved for about another year after that in a long distance casual relationship. He and I had energy. We had the type of unwavering trust I hope to find someday with a Dom. When we made love, the energy was electric (even as vanilla and routine as it was) and was part of why I fell in love with him. I’ve yet to experience the same level of energy with anyone I’ve been involved with since. I’ve come close with a small handful of partners over the last year, but it has been a while. I apparently have gone through a string of partners with whom our encounters lacked any sort of energy. It was sex for the sake of having sex. No desire, just obligation I suppose. Someone to pass my time.

Since watching and learning more and more in the BDSM world, I have rediscovered the magic of energy. Most notably, I watched a public scene last night that was one of the hottest I’ve seen thus far. The energy between the Domme and her submissive was entrancing. They weren’t performing for their audience, as I feel some of the people I’ve watched play do, they were in the middle of the room alone. For them, I’m pretty sure there was no audience. It was raw and, honestly, amazing. Before beginning this journey I’m on, I had forgotten about this type of energy and I think that’s why relationships like the one I had with CG worked so well. I didn’t realize what was missing, so I was happy with what I had. Last week, however, someone had turned on the lights and everything became much more clear- which is a good thing! I just meant that the reality of what CG and I have hit me.

Things are over with CG now. It was a fantastic year, most certainly will never forget him (or his ear of corn), but I’m done. As are things with all the men in my life with whom sex lacked energy. Quitting cold turkey is going to be hard… so very very hard!

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