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A Forum For Expression

February 10, 2009

In the last month or so I’ve decided to continue my journey into the world of BDSM and have found that this time around I’ve wound up discovering a bit more about my Self, not just my sexuality.

I suppose just so I get things right, I need to start at the beginning…

About a year or so ago a good friend of mine started his own journey of sexual exploration. We were close enough, and he knew that I was open-minded enough, that he opened up and shared with me. His experiences coincided with some issues I was having in some of my vanilla relationships at the time. He talked to me at great lengths about his desires and fantasies as a submissive and in his stories I felt was part of myself. He greatly encouraged me to begin exploring myself and I did. I read every website I could find, I talked to a few people I knew who were somewhat kinky as well. I was left feeling very confused. There was heaps upon heaps of new information for my consciousness to filter through. I ended up having difficulty connecting this new knowledge with my preconceived notions of the kink world. At this point, I figured my best option was to jump right in.

I had a few experiences with people who were on the more dominant spectrum of vanilla and a few who claimed to be a bit experienced in the scene. They weren’t. The experiences were bad. From uncomfortable encounters with people who were a little too vague about their kinks (which I didn’t quite share) to rape. At the same time, my first love came back into my world and turned it upside down. I had too much going on in my head, so I stepped back from exploring and took time to tie off my loose ends.

Here I am a year later.

Less than a month ago, I was in a sexually unsatisfying relationship with a wonderful man who was my solace after things went so horribly with my first love. He is an amazing person and I believe that I met him to help me through an incredibly tough time in my life. But six months later, the passion was gone. I suppose I had reached the point where I was getting really depressed and frustrated, without knowing why. I was beginning to have the urge to go elsewhere and THAT was not good. Even though I value poly relationships, this particular individual did not. I took the obvious course of action and ended the relationship. Within days, I had started up my account on a dating site I had belonged to at some point in the past and ran across a profile that put everything back into perspective. He openly shared that he was publicly involved in the BDSM scene and after talking with him a bit, he listed off some resources for me to check out.

I belive that things happen for a reason. I had been unhappy and emotionally crushed when my ex stepped in and saved me, but through that relationship I had forgotten a part of me. This new person, in a very short amount of time, reintroduced me to that part of myself I had forgotten. And while this new person is amazing, I am in no way saying this to convey that my feelings are anything more than gratitude. He was the catalyst I needed to redirect myself.

I can remember sitting on the bus the first week after talking to this new friend and feeling like part of me was a little more alive than it was previously. I had been thinking and fantasizing non-stop that entire day. Here I was, some seemingly innocent little girl on the bus, with a secret that no one else sitting there with me could see. The feeling was so unique, I can only compare it to the week thatI lost my virginity. In my high school I was the socially rebellious captain of the debate team- certainly not the slutty cheerleader type, and I remember walking though the halls and sitting in my classes that week feeling so incredibly different from everyone, privy to a world they knew nothing of. I was a dirty dirty sex fiend and none of them could even see it in me. This was the same feeling I felt a few weeks ago.

While I know I’m still new to the scene, I don’t feel so lost anymore. I know what I want, I know the types of people I’m looking to connect with and I know the types or relationships I want to create. Now if only I was sitting here “doing” rather than “wanting”…

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