I walked out from the bathroom, I had been putting the finishing touches on my make up for the evening. My eyes were coated in heavy black makeup, with flecks of red glitter highlighting the base of my lash line and working their way out to an explosion just before my temples. My hair curled, but still down- just how He likes it. I strut down the hallway toward His room in my black underbust corset, fishnet top, and my red plaid mini skirt. I hadn’t intended doing the school girl look this evening, but when my original outfit was vetoed this seemed an appropriate alternative. Plus, I had my favorite little girl accessory with me tonight- my retainer.
In our community, there are certain kinks that are still considered “taboo” and aren’t always received well. One of those is Age play. Not the version that involves the innocent little girl playing in the corner with her coloring book basking in her “little-space”. Rather, the sexualized kind. The little girl playing the part of the tease, the Lolita and the disparity of the younger teen and the older lover. The type we secretly love to see in movies like Lolita, The Graduate and American Beauty. I have known for a while now who I am as a Little. Little Evey is playful and feisty and even a bit of a brat (the tolerable kind) as most who have met her have noticed. But there’s a part of her who I haven’t been so open about until now. She’s also a flirt and a tease. My interest in age play ventures into the sexual side. Honestly, I’m still not so sure how far but I know that it does. I’ve always had a bit of a sexualized view of my retainer, but former lovers have either refused to indulge or have been outright repulsed. When I actually wore it at age 17, my boyfriend at the time made me take it out because of our 10 year age difference he already felt the pervert. He didn’t want something reminding him how much younger I was. When I first found my retainer again a year or two ago, my boyfriend at the time (who was now 13 years older) I had hinted at my interest in playing with my retainer and he told me that was a limit of his. So now, it’s not only something taboo for me because of society as a whole, but everyone I’ve been intimate with has veered away it. But tonight was different.
When I get to the room, He is sitting in the chair utilizing His time before leaving checking various things on His computer. I kneel down and begin to rummage through my bags searching for my dark red lipstick. As I search, my skirt lifts up just enough to reveal the crotch of my white bikini panties. When I find what I’m looking for I spin back around to find Him looking at me. “God you look so molestable tonight,” He comments while looking my outfit over. I’ve had my retainer in for a good 30 minutes already and have shifted into that giggly little girl space. Tonight I’m not His feisty, sexy girl, or the insatiable pain slut.. I am the 15-year-old Lolita-esque version of Evey. His comments make the butterflies in my tummy flutter and my head shifts down a bit while a giggle escapes my mouth, I love it when He compliments my outfits. I never dress for myself, my pleasure in my fetish for fashion comes from Others finding enjoyment in my selections. Tonight, even though we were going to separate parties, I had dressed for Him; to give Him something to think about while I was away for the night.
I continue getting ready. Black thigh highs, garter belt, knee-high leather boots (not the typical fetish kind.. but they fit the theme) and I’m finished. When I get the call from my ride to the party that they are waiting outside, I gather my things upstairs but before I leave, I return to His room to say goodbye. He is packing his toyboxes for the night but pauses when I come back into the room. “I has to go…” I say with a slight pout on my face. He beckons me over to Him and we say our goodbyes, but before He lets me go He pulls my face close to His and we linger in that moment. Normally, this would make me feel like the cherished lover. Instead, because of my head space, I begin to feel like the seduced little girl.. the one who has quietly hinted all evening long at what she wants but has waited for Him, being the older more knowledgable in such sexual situations, to take it from me. He breaks the tensions and silence and pulls me in and kisses me, it is soft and tender and leaves me wanting more. So I take another kiss from Him. In the moment after I look up at him and smile. This makes Him smile. Until He reads this post, I’m not sure He will have known why I smiled in that moment. It wasn’t just because of the kiss.. even though His kisses alone usually make me smile like that. It was the retainer. It was the head space I was in and how that affected my perception of his actions. It was because while I was wearing my retainer, one of my biggest physical triggers, he kissed me and held me and touched me as one would a lover. I felt in that moment that I was like forbidden fruit and he had just taken a big juicy bite.
The holiday season is one of my favorites, not because of the trees, ornaments, or christmas cheer, but because of the emphasis on Family. This year is the 3rd in a row that I’m not spending with my parents or little sister. They are my actual family but the people who affect my life on a daily basis are the ones I’ve grown to prefer to spend my holidays with. I’m sitting in the living room with my best friend and her husband while our Christmas dinner finishes cooking and I’ve gotten to thinking: I have the most amazing family here in Denver.
In the last year, everyone in the Kink Community has been so welcoming and I’ve brought people into my life who I’m not so sure I know how to live without. Beyond my core family unit, there are a few special people who I’ve become entangled with that I don’t know this Holiday season would feel the same without. I can’t imagine not having people like Vie or Gordon in my life.. they are the big brothers I never had growing up. This little girl couldn’t be any luckier. But perhaps the biggest part of my life right now are two people who have only come about in the last few months. In Her I have found an amazing friend, one who cares about me more than I sometimes feel I deserve. And He has become and amazing partner, I will just leave it at that. I care for the two of them immensely, and while I am grateful to be where I am tonight, I would be the happiest little girl tonight if I were spending the holidays at Home with them. I can be patient and wait. I can have faith that if things are really as good as they feel right now, that’s exactly where I’ll be next Christmas.
Tonight, is vanilla christmas with my best friend and her new hubby, but tomorrow I get to go back home (they live down in Colorado Springs) and spend the night at the Enclave’s big holiday party with the rest of my family. I’m a lucky little girl and wish everyone the same.
<3 Evey
Oh santa baby… would you mind if I hurried down on your chimeny???
Or better yet, and Njoy Eleven??? Perhaps while wearing a sexy cincher from Ms. Martha??? Or ya know.. I could always use a new viberator!!
I have been a super good Evey-Bird this year!! I promise… *sweet innocent smile*
That being said, everyone else should totally go enter the “Sit on Kinky Santa’s lap” contest over at Fetlife and enter to win their own fabulously kinky gifts! Just don’t select the Eleven, because there’s only one going around and it best be going to either me or Essin’em!!
So, since my last post I’ve figured things out a bit more.. reliving it and writing it out was definitely a big help. I talked to a few friends about my experience and from their insite I learned that sometimes there are two ways people need to deal with that intense of a force scene. I am apparently the type who needs lots of love and reassurance, to the point of having an equal but opposite reaction. I talked with Vie the other night and told him how I was feeling, that I felt worthless, unloved, ugly, completely devalued, etc and that I needed to find a way to feel all those things again. I needed an experience from him that completely negated the way I was feeling and rebuilt my psyche and emotions. What he in turn gave to me was one of the most intense experiences that I’ve had to date. He completely validated me and I have to say I am so grateful to have someone in my life that, despite all our differences and fighting, cares for me so much. Anywho, I just felt the need to throw this out there as a final comment to my story. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask.
Preface: This is probably the most personal post I’ve written in the last year of blogging. I’m not even sure how I feel about people knowing about it.. but I’m hoping that writing about it and making it less of a secret will help me finish processing. If assault/rape/force is something that bothers you, please don’t read any further. If you are not a regular reader, please note that this was a scene with someone who I have a close relationship with and we have previously negotiated how consensual non-consent fits into our relationship.
I walk back into the apartment from having taken the puppy out for a walk. It was late morning and Vie and I had just gotten back from breakfast and he had an hour or two left to get ready for work. When I had left the take my puppy outside I had heard him turning the shower on, so I figured he just wanted to make sure he wasn’t rushing today. Now that I was back inside, the water wasn’t running like I had expected. “Well that was fast..” I think to myself as I’m unhooking Cane from his leash. I start to walk down the hallway toward the bedrooms, figuring I’d sit around and bug Vie while he gets ready. But to my surprise, he walks out of his room, still in his clothes from this morning.
It all happens so quickly that I don’t quite have the time to think about what is happening…. I feel the familiar sticky of duct tape across my mouth and jaw. He slams me back against the wall in the hallway, pulls my hair and begins to force me toward the living room. I couldn’t quite keep up with the walking backwards and I trip and fall to the ground. This doesn’t phase him as he continues to drag my body down the hall. Once he gets to where he wants, I feel a knee in my back and his hinged handcuffs around my wrists. The view of my body contorted on the carpet of my living room is the last thing I will see for a while because at this moment he stretches a length of duct tape across my eyes as well…
He hasn’t said a word. His silence becomes power and he doesn’t need to speak for me to understand that there is no getting away, what has begun cannot be stopped. He pulls me to my feet and before I can even regain balance I am thrown across the room and land face down on the arm of one of the couches. He pulls my hips up to rest on the arm, leaving my legs dangling. I feel my pants pulled down to around my knees and I hear what I presume is him disrobing as well. He proceeds to fuck me. This is not sex, there is nothing deep and intimate. It is impersonal, I can’t feel him there with me like he used to be when we’re intimate. He fucks me over the arm of the couch for a while, occasionally pulling my hair up so that my neck is tilted and breathing becomes difficult. After a while, however I tell him that I can’t breathe.. the way the arm is pushing up against my lower stomach is restricting my breathing a little too much at this point. Still without saying a word, he picks me up by the hinge of the cuffs and throws me onto the second couch and rips the duct tape off my mouth so I can breathe a bit better. My pants, which were resting around my knees, are pulled off completely to allow for better access. I’m on my back, with my hands cuffed underneath me, still blindfolded by the tape. He continues to fuck me, and eventually comes on my lower stomach.
At this point I’m expecting the scene to end. I’m expecting to feel my tape pulled off my eyes, him to be wiping me off and turning me over to uncuff me. I’m expecting this to be followed by us laying on the couch for a good while with him comforting me and reassuring me how much he loves me. But, I hear nothing.
Instead, I hear the shower turn on again. Perhaps he would prefer to wash off today? A few minutes in and it has become clear to me that the scene isn’t over. I lay on the couch, still cuffed, still blindfolded, legs spread (because at the angle I’m laying, half off the arm of the couch.. it’s rather hard to move anything), covered in his cum. Feeling it begin to find its way down the curves of my stomach, I start to cry behind my tape. Partially a release, partially because once again he did something for me when I was ready to walk away, but partially because I’m alone. When he finally comes back out to the living room, he speaks to me for the first time since I walked back into the house, “couldn’t find the key huh?” I’m still not sure if it was a joke or if he really expected me to have gotten myself out of my restraints.
After all the tape is removed and I’ve been cleaned off he asks me what I need. “Koala time,” is my answer. When I’ve been emptied out emotionally, I often need intense tactile stimulation to recharge myself. I need someone to hold on to me tight and to remind me that I am still LOVED- that I am still worthy and valued and beautiful. We cuddle in bed for a while, but again.. something isn’t quite the same.
I felt GOOD about our scene after it happened. I felt OKAY about our scene later that evening. But the last few days since, I have begun to feel more and more not myself. Something is off and I’m just not sure where to go from here.
I often ponder about a great many things in my life. I’m an introverted over-thinker type and it’s one of my not exactly “great” personality quirks.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about me and how I relate to the way others view submission…
I’ve very much gotten the feeling from others that I act inappropriately for a submissive. I am opinionated, feisty, and a bit of a brat (as Ms. Angell says, the good kind.. the playful kind.. not the sammy kind). It’s who I am, Evey is very playful and it’s an aspect of myself that I rather like. I don’t enjoy having to bite my tongue and be someone else… part of the freedom I found in the Scene came from the feeling that I could really be myself and people would accept that. Some people have tried to tell me that this doesn’t make me a submissive, but rather a bottom. I disagree. While I may come up with snarky comments and what not, the moments when I’m looking up into the eyes of those I have that deep connection with… THAT is why I identify as a submissive. The feeling of calm I experience when I honestly can tell my partners that I trust them to do to me what ever they wish with me and completely give in to the journey they take me on.. THAT is why I identify as a submissive.
Recently, I’ve had a few experiences that have left me wondering if my partners maybe don’t appreciate my playfulness. Is there really a problem here? Is teasing not okay? Do I need to bite my tongue and be the docile submissive? I don’t want to be that person.. I’m very much still exploring the terms and depth of my submission but one thing I do know, is that when it comes to my partners, I want to be accpeted completely. I don’t want someone to try and change me. This isn’t happening now or anything, but I do think ahead to the next step of, if this isn’t okay with a partner.. then it is something that needs to change to make Him happy. The possibility of that internal conflict, not wanting to change but at the same time wanting to please, concerns me.
Any thoughts or insight on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
<3 Evey
True Story: I have had a porn star between my legs!!
Last Septemeber at the Denver Sex Show I met Randy Spears. Possibly my favorite male porn star ever (Evan Stone comes in a close second based on pure entertainment value). He fucks with so much power and aggression.. it’s just a joy to watch (and cum to). He’s fucked a handfull of my favorite female stars as well (most noteably Cytheria!).. he’s just… ya…
It was great. I was standing outside the dungeon helping with the whole informational thing between demos and I saw him walked by. My jaw hit the floor. Before he could get too far, I ran to one of the other girls working as a Demo Doll for the day and asked her if I was seeing things. She confirmed, Yes, that was Randy Spears and added that she’s met him earlier that day and would drag me to say hello if I felt so inclined.
Like the giddy little girl that I am at times, I follow her as she catches his attention…
“Randy, this is one of your biggest fans- Evey. Could she take a picture with you?”
He looked me over, much like I’d been getting all day from the men at the convention (I was in my corset, a pair of panties and my thigh high lace up boots.. no skirt.. I felt like a super hero! hehe) and pulled me in close. I figured, a girl only gets this opportunity once so I hoisted my leg up around his hip. To my delight he grabbed my other leg and pulled me up onto him. This little girls wet dream! We talked for a few minutes, but to be honest I don’t even remember what was said… I just know I left a wet spot on his crotch!
Don’t believe me? Here’s PROOF:
So, I know she totally loves me and everything, but all bias aside, the lovely Miss Essin'Em (www.essin-em.com) has selected me as one of her favorite reads! As such, she has requested that I list 10 things that I do every damn day of my life… luckily for her I love her 10 MILLION times more than I hate cheesy lists… haha. That being said, here ya go sweetie:
1. Check all my various tidbits on the interwebs. I'm permanently plugged in and would probably implode if I weren't… 2. Think sexy thoughts. I live my lifestyle 24/7 and am damn proud of it! 3. Manage minor anxiety attacks. I've been prone to anxiety issues my entire adult life, a few times a year the major debilitating ones happen, but most days I will have at least one minor anxiety attack. I am not medicated and have no desire to be, at this point things are manageable. 4. Blast a stereo (somewhere, anywhere… my living room, my phone, a friend's car..) I like my music and I like it loud. 5. Despise the fact that I have to wear shoes. I seriously hate them, after years of wearing sandals 24/7 in Los Angeles (yes even during the flash flooding and El/La Ninos/Ninas) my feet are acclimated to a lower temp and I totally overheat when I'm wearing shoes. 6. Talk with Mr. Rawr. I'm fairly certain there hasn't been a day that's gone by where I haven't seen him, texted him or talked to him on the phone. If he doesn't hear from me by evening time (damn busy work days) he checks in just to make sure I'm having a happy day. It's fairly awesome in my book. 7. Wake up at 7am. While it is true that I will sleep in on weekends, I still wake up just before 7am every morning, even if it's just to fall back asleep again. 8. Search for something on Google. I swear, it knows EVERYTHING. 9. Talk to my mentor, Gordon. 10. Satisfy the 3 necessities in life (food, sleep and orgasms). ta da! I think I should also take a moment to thank all my other regular readers.. I think it's pretty darn cool that people enjoy reading about my rather eclectic life! <3 EveySo, I decided this morning it was time to shave. All week long I wear scrubs and wrestle large puppies, not necessarily the kind of activities that require sexy smooth legs (unless you’re into that kinda thing…). However, seeing as I have the next few days off, I decided this needed to be rectified. Problem: in all the moving around I’ve done the last few weeks, I’d forgotten which of my overnight bags my razor got thrown into. So, I’m rummaging through the shelves in my bathroom to see if maybe one of my old handles for my razor was hidden away somewhere when my roommate suggested I open the box of random stuff that girls had left at his old apartment and pull out one of theirs and just put a new blade cartridge on it. Genius! First one I find is the kind with the built in vibrator and when I pull it out he started telling me how awesome those are (he uses a guys version to shave his face) and that it will give me the closest shave ever.
Oh my lord, was he right. I was in awe and screaming through the bathroom door at him its praises. My legs feel all sorts of sexy today and ya, yum. I told him that I have now claimed it in the name of evey, poor girl won’t be getting it back… if she even remembers she left it with him to begin with.
I know, not really my typical post but my legs feel too sexy to not share! He he
“What’s wrong honey?”
I look at the little red target light aimed at my inner thigh and squeak a bit as I watch his finger flexing on the trigger.
“I thought you wanted to be entertained, am I not entertaining enough for you dear?”
I shake my head emphatically but as I do I hear him laugh to himself as he shoots off a round. It hits the wall behind me. A momentary sense of relief sweeps over me. I know I am safe until he cocks the airsoft gun again.
The next shot he doesn’t let me off so easy. I feel the sting of the shot on my inner thigh through the hole in my jeans. I sit there on the bed, struggling in my restraints as he tells me about all the places he would like to shoot me next. My arms are cuffed to a spreader bar suspended from the ceiling, my legs strapped in a kneeling position, leather straps cross my chest and one tightly wraps around my neck reminding me of his kindness in allowing me to breathe tonight.
Not wanting to build up resentment, Mr. Rawr calls for assistance, “Shoot her in the nipple. I want to see if she screams, but I’d much rather have her upset with you than me.” The helpful man takes aim, but misses and I feel the sting of the shot on my stomach. The next shot hits my breast and I scream out in pain. I’m not sure how what happened next came to be, perhaps he liked my reaction to the bb on my breast, but Mr. Rawr is looming over me, threatening to shoot me point blank. I beg and plead with him not to shoot, that it is going to hurt too bad, but his eyes show no intention of budging.
“Please, can I barter?!”, I blurt out in desperation.
This incited that devious smile of his, the one I find irresistibly sexy, “What would you like to offer me?”
I offer another display of one of my special talents, knowing how much he enjoyed it last time. However, having no intention of making this easy for me Mr. Rawr responds, “now why would I trade for something I know I can have whenever I want, that’s something you have already done for me. If you don’t want me to shoot this right now”, he moves the bb gun and it presses into my left breast, “you better come up with something new.”
My mind goes empty. Every 10 seconds that pass he shoots a bb into my flesh point blank, sending my mind even deeper into its foggy haze. After several shots I ask him for help and if there is anything he would like.
“Well ya know,” he pauses to quietly chuckle, “you haven’t even offered to make me cookies yet…”
“Cookies? I can make cookies!”
I am roughly released from my straps and take a minute to calm my breathing when I notice the gun aimed at me again, “I don’t have my cookies yet.” This threat most certainly did not feel empty. I jump up and sprint up the stairs and slide into the kitchen.
Grab the cookie dough from the fridge, preheat the oven, and begin searching for a cookie sheet when I hear a bb hit hit of the kitchen cabinets. I drop to the floor and my heart begins to pound in my chest again. I frantically start to scoop the cookie dough onto the pan. When I go to open the oven door he fires again and hits my upper arm. I grab the kitchen towel, throw it over my arm for protection as I attempt to put the tray of cookies into the oven.
Thinking I had outsmarted him, I look up after closing the oven door to return to hiding beneath the cabinets. Instead I find Mr. Rawr kneeling by the corner cabinet with the gun pointed at me, laughing.
From across the room I hear someone say, “Mr. Rawr, you’ve scared the poor girl half to death!”
At this his eyes brighten and his smile exudes satisfaction as he turns to respond, “yes… but now I have cookies!”
