Okay, so really tomorrow is my birthday. But, I’m impatient and totally wanted to open my present to myself early. I’m 24 and I can do what I want- so I did!
Curious what I got this year?? Alright then, I guess I’ll let you take a look…
This is entry is part of a series called “30 Days of Kink”
Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
About 5 months ago I wrote about the first erotic book I ever read, Outlander. I was having all sorts of realizations in regards my kink while re-reading it. The story is filled with themes of force, misogyny, rape and punishment (the “take you out to the pasture and lay in with my belt” kind). Go figure, it was a huge turn on, even in my mid-teens.
It got me thinking about an experience I’ve never shared with anyone. I believe it was around 3rd grade and perhaps why I’ve always been hesitant to talk about what happened was because of the age. I should amend that. I was young, yes, but I also to this day think that what happened was hot…
I watched a simulated locker room gangbang.
The details are fuzzy. Maybe the other girls in my gym class had been acting out something they saw in a movie or porn? It could have started from a conversation about sex and sexuality? I don’t remember. I am even somewhat unsure of the scene set during the roleplay. What I do remember is someone forcing themselves onto someone else (not literally, the girls acting it out had kind of talked about it before they took center stage). There were 4-5 girls involved, and at least one took on a masculine role as I believe it was set at a urinal. I also think there was the role of the wanton vixen/nymph. I don’t think there was any inappropriate touching or even kissing between the girls. But there was tension and chemistry. At least in my memory there was.
Is it wrong that I think back to leaning against the wall in our small locker room, watching these girls act out a very sexual scenario and remember how hot it was? A part of me says that “early experiences” perhaps shouldn’t happen so young. But it’s really the first time I remember something kinky happening in my life, so to ignore it would be dishonest. When I made the connection of the memory to my kink interests I was somewhat surprised at how young I was when the themes of force began seeping their way into my sexuality (In an enjoyable sense, not an abusive one).
Wow, I feel kinda creepy for sharing that. I’m going to go do something super unsexy now to make up for it.
But as much as I’ve tried, I’m just not. I have a partner who loves rope and fancy rope work and I mean.. I’ll let him tie me up, but I’m not really one to beg for it (like I can be with other types of play) and I really don’t get into it. I don’t find anything special about suspensions either.
Maybe it’s because I was a little monkey growing up. I hung off of anything I would hang off of anything I could climb and I could climb up almost anything. We had this long bar on our playground and I would spin around, do tricks and dismounts. But most of the time, suspension feels the same way. It’s not some new and wondrous feeling. I feel like I’m 5 years old and hanging off the jungle gym. It’s fun.. but not sexy. I’m pretty sure most self identified rope sluts don’t feel that way.
Am I missing something? What is it that people get off to about rope if there’s no predicament, challenge, or pain? Sometimes I feel like a failure. I know that not everyone is into everything. But when my rope-loving partner gets into one of those moods, I sometimes feel like I’m a disappointment. Rationally, I know it’s silly. But emotionally, it’s this giant reminder of something I’m not good at.
I’m up for a challenge and I’d love to find a way to make a plain old rope scene sexy and get to interact on that level and consume that really positive energy that gets going during one of his rope phases. Thoughts? Ideas?
Something I tell The Redheaded Slut a lot is that when a relationship fails, sometimes it’s because you’re still learning lessons that will teach you the skills you need for when one of the people you’re meant to be with come into your life. It calms her heart most of the time and I’m happy to be her validator. I have a hard time listening to the advice myself, though.
I know that I have a purpose. I can feel it in the core of my being, most days. And I know that while I’ve discovered so much about myself in the last few years, I’m no where near the finish line. So many lessons needed in communicating and understanding and emotions lie ahead. Maybe I’ve already found my partners to keep me company along my path (I certainly hope this is the case) or maybe they are important to my path in other ways. Regardless, I’ve been feeling a lot lately that there are so many missing pieces still. I’m impatient. I don’t want to wait. I want everything to make sense now!
It’s probably feeling a little worse because of everything going on. I’m trying to recover emotionally from all the fluctuations in my personal life and bracing myself for the tough week ahead. While I love my birthday and celebrating is really important for me, I have a lot of feelings from my past that tend to find their way to the surface. The fear of what this year holds in store for me is starting to settle in.
I’m forcing the following thoughts into my head this week to try and keep my spirits up:
“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
This is entry is part of a series called “30 Days of Kink”
How did you discover you were kinky?
I’ve known since a very young age that I really, really liked sex. But my path to kink wasn’t quite so clear cut. By the time I moved out to Colorado I was only 20 but I felt like I was searching for something “more” in my sex life. Every partner couldn’t quite get me there. I’d ask to be fucked hard and it was never hard enough. I’d ask to be “taken” and the overwhelming sense of being at their mercy never came. One night, I was discussing the failings of my most recent sexual conquest with a good friend and he offered a suggestion- perhaps you’re submissive. I had no clue what he meant but he offered me links to helpful writings online and suggested I move off of aff.com and onto alt.com. I read and read and read and felt like I’d found this “thing” that I’d been missing. I had no understanding, though, of what it looked like in practice. I spoke with a few online “Dominants” who had me do horribly humiliating things and after deciding that didn’t feel good, I decided maybe this wasn’t what I was looking for after all.
I left my kinky fantasies behind and found myself in a few committed, monogamous, vanilla relationships- one where we even began talking of settling down. I wasn’t getting the sex I wanted, but perhaps my urges and fantasies were unhealthy anyways. So I ignored them until I was starting to feel restless in my sexless relationship. I started a profile on a few dating sites and ran across one that mentioned the kink community. He was handsome and his profile seemed articulate so I wrote to him bragging that I’d experienced kink a year before and it was an interest. He one upped me and began telling me about the local Denver kink community. He told me about his girl who was in service to him, he told me about scening and playing with S/M type exchanges, and he told me about the decadent parties he attended and after a few weeks and several dozen dirty pictures I begged him to show me his world.
We set a date and he came over late at night to my house (Bad Evey!) and we headed straight to my bedroom (Bad Evey!) and he started showing me around his toy box. After showing me his switchblade he offered to show me. He joined me on my bed, lifted off my shirt and proceeded to press the blade against my throat, drawing it down until he was pressing into my nipples (Bad Evey!). We then proceeded to fuck like rabbits (Bad Evey!). Luckily, he was a nice guy and the relationship continued beyond a one night stand and over the course of a few months I wound up attending event at one of the local BDSM clubs and being introduced to people who would eventually become my Leather Family. It was a bit serendipitous, really.
But I have to be honest, I kinda did it all wrong and looking back I’m EXTREMELY lucky that I ended up safe. It’s not a way to go about finding the kink community that I’d ever recommend to anyone else. It was a huge risk to take and I could have found myself in a very compromising position if those involved had not been quite as honorable.
My mind has been wandering a lot lately. As such, I’ve taken up to writing it all down in the hopes that I’ll learn something in the end if I study it all closely enough. Today I’m sharing one of the fantasies I was obsessing over for the last month. It felt decadent and gratifying. Perhaps it’s an internal commentary on my desire to feel completely wanted right about now. Perhaps I’m simply craving an interaction that it closer to my roots. Either way, I found it super hot and figured it would be appropriate to share…
We stand in the middle of the room at dusk. The floor lays empty and all that remains is a few boxes by the door. In the absence of any lamps, it is dark enough for no one to really see inside the barren windows, while still allowing enough light that I can see you.
Watching you walk to the wall where you left your bag, you pull out a roll of duct tape while smiling deviously at me. I know you know that the sound alone of the tape will excite me the moment you rip off a length. Instead, you walk back toward me and I can see your fingers tracing the edges, taking your time. I watch you slowly start to encircle me and I begin to feel like your prey. I imagine that you are running through all the ways you could incapacitate me tonight in your mind. Then, the moment seems to pause as you find your answer and stop your pacing just out of my sight.
I hear you tear off a length of tape and the next thing I know the room has gone black. I feel your hands on my thighs as they find their way up my dress and grab hold of my panties…
“You won’t be needing these tonight.”
One smooth motion and the cool metal of your pocket knife presses into my hips. It feel your force as you shove the remnants quickly into my mouth and a second strip of tape wraps around my jaw. Soon, the familiar tightness spreads to my chest and I’ve lost the use of my arms as well.
With no way to see, speak, or move I suspect I am right where you’ve wanted me all along- completely at your mercy.
Oh, what’s that?? It’s 30 Days of Kink!
I had a really hard time writing this post. Why? It’s intimidating writing out my kinks! Clicking little check boxes or hitting buttons involves much less commitment. So.. *big deep breath* here they are, my kinks:
I’m a Lolita. I very much enjoy the headspace afforded by playing with my little side. Sometimes, I can play nicely with other littles and fit right it! Most of my interests in age play lie on the sexualized side. I have a retainer and love making out in it dressed in my naughty school girl outfit. I haven’t gotten to play much with this side because of the very taboo nature however. Not many people I have met in the community are open to playing sexually with someone while they are identified as underage. For a better glimpse at my lolita-esque fantasies- Forbidden Fruit: A Confession on Age Play
Rope, leather strapping, tape, chains, handcuffs… you name it I’m probably interested in being wrapped up in it. I’ve even put together a guide: How To Bind A Bird!
Boots. Not just any boots, and certainly not ALL boots. More specifically, His boots. His boots are a part of him, part of his identity. The boot play came naturally with our take downs. I love the “thud” and the compression they afford. When I’m feeling submissive, playing with His boots puts me in a natural position to our dynamic. I love the imagery of being beneath His feet. The worship grew from this dynamic and play relationship. There was a natural progression from loving cuddles after such a scene to worship. I gladly caress and kiss his boots, especially after they have provided me with such lovely amounts of pleasure. To find myself beneath his boots is like… Bringing Me Home.
My nipples are my cum buttons. Sometimes, just like sex can be really hot when it borders on pain, nipple play can be too.
I enjoy my Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) to be in a 24/7 manner. For me, the joy is in 24/7 CNC dynamics. There is unexpectedness and a growing fear in the thought that at any moment that I am near a partner whom I have negotiated this typed of dynamic with could take control.
It’s sticky and sometimes shiny. It comes in pretty colors. When you pull it off the roll it makes an unmistakable noise (which happens to be a sexy time trigger for me). It is tough. Capable of binding even the squirmiest of submissives with a single roll. When I’m bound in tape, I can feel every inch of my skin tug and react with even the subtlest of movements. Tape is fast and quickly restrains but allowing plenty of time to keep playing, no pesky and time consuming knots needed here! And then, there’s peeling it off. It feels as if my skin itself is being torn away. The sensation, of both pain and freedom is sexy and indulgent. Ya, duct tape totally gets me hot.
Force can be assault, agression, getting roughed up, violence, consensual-nonconsent, Force can be mental too, making you do thinks you don’t really want to. Tamer things can fall into this category too, but for me playing with force is like being the “damsel in distress”. I don’t just let you have your way, no, no, no. You have to force your way into a position of power. For me, playing with the element of force is D/s and S/M all in one lovely little package.
I never expected to love needle play, but the energy is addictive. Sure, I love the pain as the steel slices my flesh. I also might love the way there is a constant painful presence, the way the pain builds with each addition. I also might get hot over the imagery of my flesh being decimated under your hands… but my favorite part of needle play? That would be playing with someone who has a passion for needles. There is something so distinct about the energy exchange with a Needle Top. Mmmmm….
I love “thud”. A good punching scene can feel like you’re reaching right into my soul. Feeling my chest reverberate with every hit.. feeling my flesh grow more and more tender as the bruises begin to form deep inside. Punching is intimate, no toys or distance between us. As a top I love that I can be right on top of you as my fists fly, staring right into your eyes and breathing in your every breath as you exhale with each hit. As I bottom, I love that you have to stay close to still land your shots… there is a connection in the physical contact like nothing else I’ve found in the lifestyle.
I am new to resistance. It’s only in the last year or so that Mr. Rawr has been helping me find comfort in wiggling away, prying at his fingers or throwing elbows myself during our take-down scenes. I struggled a lot with the idea of how he might react to my actions telling him, “NO!”. But slowly, I’ve discovered a new thrill in truly feeling conquered- knowing that I’ve tried my damnedest and he still wins, placing me rightly beneath him in our power dynamic.
I never thought of my desire for rough sex to be too extreme or kinky, I felt it was passionate. Perhaps if our bodies collide with enough force, we could become one? Rough sex overwhelms me and envelops me, getting lost in the experience with my partner. “Vanilla” sex is hard for me these days, it’s there on occasion.. but often I have a hard time processing if someone isn’t being shoved into a pillow, pinned down, or pounded.