This weekend has me in a haze. I don’t feel like myself, and it’s provided some very interesting introspection. My natural inclination has always been that if I don’t like who I am or what I’m doing in my life to make a big change, and the rest will fall into place. So I have a big change I want to make, I think it’s a positive thing for me because a lot of my tears and pain seem to stem in some way shape or form from where things in this aspect of my life are now. Unfortunately, not pushing away is something that I have been fighting with all my being these last few months, I haven’t wanted to be the girl who up and leaves when things don’t go the way she wants. But at the same time, everything I’m learning from Gordon is telling me that I need to accept the things that I need in my life and not keep putting myself in situation where I’m never going to get what I want.
So what is it that I want that I’m not getting?
- I want to be wanted. I want to feel that by being around I’m serving some sort of purpose. I want my constant open availability for those who matter to be appreciated. I want to feel like I’m not the one constantly coming to others for their time, I want to occasionally feel the feeling of others requesting to spend time with me. When I say all this, I’m talking about serious partners, I have friends who are wonderful in this regard. What I’m getting at is those whom I consider Primary or pretty darn close to it.
- I’m tired of being “close but not quite right”. I want someone who appreciates and loves me for my curves. I want someone who doesn’t need to tell me that I’m not quite their type. I want someone who thinks I’m one of the most beautiful women on earth. I’m tired of my last few relationships, even if I’ve known that they’re not necessarily leading to anything serious, feeling like the level of attraction is a bit one sided on my part. I’m worth more than that..
- When it comes to the kink world I don’t want to have to ask to play with someone I consider a partner. Sometimes, I want to be told that we’re playing that night. All this begging and pleading as of late is far too unbecomming and I don’t want to let myself be that girl anymore. I don’t have any more time for people who can’t make time for me. If you don’t have the time to play with me on a regular basis- we’re not play partners. If you don’t have time to do a scene AND aftercare, I’m not playing with you. If you’re going to disrespect me by giving me that kind of treatment as if I’m leftovers then I’m not the girl you get to play with.
- Occasionally, when I ask you to go to a party WITH me, I want to be the center of your attention for the night. I want to be the first to be played with. I want to be the one on the recieving end of your physical attention. I want to feel as if I’m your date for the night.. even if we don’t have a romantic relationship. For me these are detachable actions. Yes, they denote care and love, but nothing more necessarily. I don’t want to feel as if I’m an inconvenience to the point where someone else gets rewarded for putting up with me being with you for the night. That’s not how poly works.
Overall I’m done being looked over for all the possiblity I can bring to the table. I’m so done. I have learned from Gordon that while I can have love in my life, I’m the one who gets to determine at what level. If someone can’t return what I need from any level of relationship then I have the right to say “No, I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want because you can’t give me what I need. We can be friends and share love in that regard, but I can’t give you anything else until something changes.”
Changes will me made. I’m not running away this time, I’ve told myself that I don’t want to be the girl who just gets up and leaves, but that doesn’t mean I have to be the girl bending backwards when she isn’t getting what she wants out of things anymore. I’m not leaving, I’m just placing boundaries. They’re certainly movable, but only for those willing to accomodate my needs in return. Somewhere along my path I forgot that while I might be a submissive I’m not a doormat and I feel pathetic that over the last 9 months that’s essentially what I’ve let myself become.
So, I’m done with the tears.. I’ll just leave it at that.
Today I saw my first snowflakes of the season, hurzah! I absolutely love the winter time, it's a season that simply didn't exist when I was living in Southern California. This makes me think, I want to play in the snow this winter! I'm not sure what… perhaps the snow itself would be the pain element? But I envision Evey all dolled up in pink and black and glitter sitting in the snow… bound.. gagged perhaps.. cold.. sad eyes. Oh look, there's a puddle on my chair just thinking about it!
Photographers and tops take note! I am taking offers for snow play
You can begin writing me messages now with you offers, kthanks… hehe.
<3 Evey
Vie and I were talking a few days ago and I had an epiphany: I don't know anyone who is passionate about my kinks. I know people who will indulge me, but I don't know anyone who really truly loves what I do. That's sad. Vie always tells me how much he loves whipping someone who REALLY LOVES to be single-tailed. I get that. There's a certain passion and energy that just can't be replicated otherwise. So what are my passions? I suppose I've never gone into it, although anyone who knows me knows what really gets me going…
I love force.
…Take-downs, assault, abduction, rape, brute force, punching, kicking, being held down, boots, elbows, knees, aggression, consensual non-consent…
Now don't get me wrong, every once and a while Vie indulges my yearning for force. In the last few months we did a great take-down/punching scene as well as an aggressive caneing/police search and seizure scene that wasn't really planned but turned out great. Unfortunately, force and aggression aren't Vie's kinky turn on's. He enjoys them, just like I can enjoy a singletail or a flogger or blades or needles, but not to the extent that he has the desire to out of now where take me down and fuck me up (which.. I must say is like on my top fantasies list.. mm.. non-con.) And none of my other play partners really go there with me. They either don't have the real raw aggression I'm looking for, or they just aren't the type to take it (which is what I want.. I don't want to have to tell someone how to roughhouse.. if I saw I want "rawr aggression" I want someone who knows what that means) so it leaves me in a bit of a predicament. How to get that primal forcefulness in a play partner, who wants to play regularly (because let's face it.. I know there aren't tons of girls out there who WANT that level or type of play, at least not that I've seen in the scene.. fucking fluffy woo woo shit) and what not.
Seriously, if anyone knows anyone who has experience and a background in force/take-downs/aggressive play please let me know or have them get in contact with me.. Because, honestly, coming out to people with this particular kink tends to throw off people in the scene, even those who talk about liking "hard play" or a "hardcore bottom".
Oh. My. God. I think I ran a marathon this weekend. Correction, I DID run a marathon this weekend.
A few weeks ago my good friend Hawke had asked me to help him out and do some Demo’s in the Dungeon at the Denver Sex Show 2009, and being my favorite fire/cupping top, I agreed enthusiastically. Soon after my friend Cross asked if I’d help him and his girl Rain with their demos. So it was decided to the Sex Show I would go! After all the scenes I ended up jumping into and the extra people I helped out, my total for the weekend was 8 scenes. LOL. Three on Friday, and five on Saturday. Needless to say, I was exhausted. I don’t think I’ve bottomed for that many things in such a short time span ever. Granted they were demos, not big deep scenes.. but still. Tiring.
On Saturday after the Convention was over, I headed over to Gateway at the Sanctuary. My mentor, Gordon, decided to come out to his first public party in a LONG time and I was so stoked to see him!!! Was a great end to the night, I got to see Gordon earlier than expected (and it was the first time he saw me in full Evey mode), I met a few new people, I saw some old friend I’d been missing and I even got a little floaty! What more could a girl want… breath play, hair pulling, getting stomped on, oh my! Oh, and on a side note, my short impromptu casual playing gave me the biggest scenegasams that I’ve had in a long time. I think I got off like 5 times. Holy shit was it hot.
And good lord was the sex before I went to bed hot! I’ve had some guests at my house this weekend, so i decided to play a game: “be verwy verwy quiet!” hehe. Not too hard, Evan lived with his Mormon parents, so I’m used to having quiet orgasms if needed. But when your partner starts pulling on your nipples that are very very sore, fully knowing that you can’t scream out in pain or ecstasy. Now THAT is fucking mean. In the end, I got flipped over, he knew my scalp was already sore from the very hard hair pulling so he grabbed my hair, shoved me down into the mattress and slowly but forcefully (trying to not make the bed squeak haha) pounded me til I couldn’t take anymore and well I’ll just leave it at that.
So, overall it was a good weekend! I like that I’m getting out and going to different places. The change of pace has been nice, but more importantly I love meeting new people. Tonight is a tentative date with this vanilla guy I’ve been seeing, we’ll see how that one goes. But I won’t be disappointed if it doesn’t, I’ve already had a great weekend and hell.. I got to play a little with someone who played hard and made me remember, when it’s not stingy- I’m a total pain slut.
I often fantasize about scenes that I'd love to do. I was telling my friend Heather about them the other week and she told me that I need to start sharing and documenting them.. so I suppose after this post I'll start a Dream Scene/To-Do List page on here and keep it updated
Ah.. I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately as well. I swear I’m still here… err.. somewhere. I’ve been kinda burried under a huge pile of work stress, long hours, settling into the apartment and well a whole mess of changes in several relationships. Kinda has me bummed out, but I will EVENTUALLY survive. As my mentor either told me or eluded to this week, I might not like who I am, but there are people like him who like who I have the potential to be. So the fight must continue because there apparently is awesome in me waiting to be unleashed.
In my bit of a lull there has been a great deal of introspection. Who am I in the scene? Where do I want to be? What do I want to be getting out of my experiences? Where am I now? etc, etc.. What I’ve really focused on is where I see myself in terms of D/s roles. I want to share a bit of what I’ve discovered, I suppose in the hope that someone can give me some feedback, perhaps advice of how to go about things further. But back on topic!
Where am I now?
I’m full of desire. I want to be somewhere! I am feeling the draw for more structure and dominance in my life. I dabble with service. I take care of the household stuff in our apartment. I have unofficially played the part of pet for the night or moment or what not. I am involved in a lot of relationships what are unofficial in nature.. some with a great deal of potential, but going somewhere takes two.
How Do I Identify?
I’m submissive, this is something I know for certain. Most of my interactions I merely bottom to my tops. But there are a select few people whom I feel very submissive toward and this is obvious. Is this as far as my submission goes? I’m not so sure. I feel like I might be more.. would I dare to say I identify as slave? At this point I don’t want to answer that, I don’t want to put my self in a box I’m not ready to be put in, or exclude myself from a box I might later fit in perfectly.
What Do I Want?
I want to be working on making forward progress. I want to test how far my submission goes. I want to experience more, I want to be giving more of my self and more of my service and more of my control to someone. There are a few people that I would trust enough to experiment with, but don’t know if they necessarily would be interested in return, so I’m hesitant to ask. I know I need something super structured. I need something very official. It doesn’t necessarily need to involve romance, sex, or anything of the sort. I’m literally just looking for more life experiences.
So ya.. I hope this kind of gives and idea of where I’m at. Any help or advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been getting so frustrated feeling like I’ve reached a plateau. I know a great many people in the scene outwardly see my style of play.. but I’m more than a kick ass demo-dolly and masochist. I first identified with the bdsm world because of my desire to submit, but that somehow got set aside along my journey. I need to begin pushing my limits and testing myself again. Yup. /end ramble
Happy 6 months to me!
I can’t believe it’s only been half a year since I first entered the public scene. Honestly, it doesn’t seem like it’s only been six months. This lifestyle has seeped so deep into the core of my being and I can’t imagine going back to the person I was. I celebrated last week with a needle scene that served dual purposes. First was to commemorate a milestone in my life. The second was an effort to find my center, balance and solid grounding again. My upper chest has always been one part of my body that is so sensitive and personal that VERY few people of my many casual and serious play partners are allowed to even think about going there. The design was 6 different needles, one for each month, meant to be a representation of the leather pride flag. Needles were placed strategically with the two biggest and most difficult for me to take last- very symbolic when one looks at the last two months of my life. The biggest challenges I’ve faced in the scene have been over the last two months. I absolutely love needles, but this was by far the most intense piercing scene I’ve done yet. It pushed my boundaries. It fucking hurt. The girl who rarely bruises had a huge blue spot on her chest for going on a week and a half.
So, I think I reached a new level of perv with my voyeuristic drive. I’ve always been a fan of watching things that are generally considered private. I like to watch when it’s not necessarily acknowledged that I’m there watching. It’s fucking hot. It gets me off. BIG TIME. But it’s always been something that I’ve explored through porn or perving web cams and the like. Even just watching people scene from the corner of a dark dungeon was a big deal for me, I can still remember the first scene I watched with a super intense energy exchange where those involved had no clue I was there. There was no sense of performing for an audience. It was fucking awesome.
So, tonight I was told that something that is one of my favorite things to watch was going to be happening one room over, and to stay put. (For all those who are going to speculate.. there are a great many non-sexual things that I get really excited about watching so no don’t go make assumptions. My voyeurism includes the mundane, and I actually probably won’t get to the point any time soon where I’m comfortable explaining because the fact that I get off to very NON sexual stuff is not something I want everyone to be aware of. It takes the fun out of my fun!)
~Insert grumble here~
I have never had to fight the urge to go watch anyways so freaking hard. I was seriously at the point where I wanted to start edging closer to that side of the room just to see how much I could get away with. I resisted temptation, all the while creating a huge puddle on the couch. Best part is, it totally got me thinking. I’ve always known that my voyeurism is a very large part of the kink experience for me, but I hadn’t quite figured out how to incorporate it into play or scenes. After all, I like what is essentially non-consensual voyeurism. How can you plan to watch someone and have it believable ya know? Now that my mind is still racing I’ve totally come up with the hottest solution. Incorporating D/s into it. Being told- I’m going to be doing X and you can’t watch. It’s that internal struggle of obeying directions and becoming an insufferably wet puddle or giving in and watching with satisfaction, and perhaps inevitable punishment. God I’m all hot and bothered again just thinking about it as I type.
So ya, I’d never known that said situation would have gotten me as hot as it did. And I’m even more shocked that it came as a surprise to me. Oh lordy, just what I need… yet another method to exercise my perversions.
(On a side note, I put this as 201 because I have this really long epic post that attempts to explain my voyeurism like half written.. It’s coming eventually. This was just too fucking hot to NOT write about as soon as possible.)
So.. I didn't fall off the face of the earth or anything. I've been in the process of moving into my new apartment and there's been a bit of a lapse in internet. Getting set back up tomorrow morning. Expect a week full of updates.. LOTS has happened to share. I'm stoked.
-EveyI have decided to make a post to update people on an issue I really have no desire to speak about and answer questions on. Some things have dramatically changed in my life over the last 48 hours. I’m going to address them now and if anyone asks they will be directed to this post. Besides a select few (mentors and the knot primarily), I will not speak further on the matter and neither will those involved. It is my issue to deal with. I am fully aware that judgment is going to follow, but I hope that people have the respect to understand that they don’t know the entirety of the situation, no matter how well they think they know us or how much we have talked with them. There are things that can’t be verbalized, that are merely feelings and ones that are too strong to ignore. Okay, enough stalling. Here’s the thing- I have decided to continue with original plans and move in with Vie. Here is all I’m willing to say on the matter:
- This was MY decision. He did not persuade, guilt or convince me in any other manner to make the choice I made.
- Anyone who gives him shit, I swear they will suffer the same wrath that I was throwing around when I first came into his life as his tireless defender.
- Anyone who gives me shit, you can best bet he’s going to have something to say about it.
- I am happy with my choice, he is happy with my choice and my reasoning behind my choice. I was told that if I chose him for any reason that wasn’t in MY best interest that he would not let me. I wasn’t allowed to claim guilt, obligation, submission.. nada. I was told I needed to flex my own wings, he refused to get in the way of my personal growth.
- Anyone willing to accept this and be positive forces in our lives, and not nag or judge, are more than welcome to come attend our amazingly awesome housewarming party in a few weeks.. details to come soon!
So, that is all. I ask that people keep their opinions to themselves because the two of us care very much about eachother and that’s what matters. Our decision has been made, it can’t be taken back, and we’re not going to let negativity and poison even think about destroying what we have built. K Thanks.. Bai.
